1. Witnesses: Israel strikes Reuters car
And it was there only one.
2. Seattle firm warned BP about pipeline
Starbucks considered its use for coffee.
3. Violent video games ban in La. blocked
Using sweet 3 button combo move.
4. Blair returns to work with to-do list
Spent vacation learning to use Outlook.
5. South Africans murders hit scary rate
Headline written by 16 year old intern.
6. Bush calls for national parks makeover
Suggests exposing more of the natural resources.
7. Overseas airports can be weak link
Getting to most of the world difficult without them.
8. Throngs greet Senator Obama in Kenya
Thongs greet former president Clinton pretty much everywhere.
9. Illinois governor develops energy plan
Starts with hearty breakfast.
10. Experts: Snail venom may have benefits
Especially for snails.

7

1. US 'lacks Iran arms intelligence'
Bigfoot, after facing 6-million dollar man, lacks arms, intelligence.

2. Burundi 'plotter' claims torture
They dangled beef just beyond his reach

3. Judge dismisses charges against Kentucky governor in state hiring scandal
Concedes there are simply no good candidates in Kentucky

4. Explosion forces La school evacuations
By associated press writer Pepe le Pew

5. Microsoft releases near-finished browser
Following their standard operating procedure for new product releases

6. Logitech unveils new cordless laser mice
Cats, understandably, freaking out

7. Database urged to share bird flu data
Database quickly resets access permissions, cuts off all further communication.

Unlucky 13

1. Climate linked to plague increase
Scientists trying to make inroads with the "it's God's will" community not making any more headway than usual.

2. 'Rogue scientist' cancer blow
But better, most men agree, than no blow at all

3. Slow Start for Revival of Nuclear Reactors
Scotty keeps reputation as miracle worker.

4. Gas Prices Drive Ford F-Series Sales Slump
As well as "four barrel roastin' dogs"

5. Government Concerned by Animal-Rights Activists
Liberals constitute nine of top 10 in Dept. Homeland Security's Most Wanted List

6. Iran Presents ‘New Formula’ for Talks
One plus two equals three, no doubt

7. On the Road: Take the Liquids, but Leave the Laptops
Because if you've ever spilled liquid on your laptop...well, just trust us on this one.

8. Fresh Princes of Mumbai, Building a Global Audience
Witty, impeccably clean jive of Will Smith takes playful shots at caste system, leaves Far East in stitches

9. The St.-Tropez of Turkey
That orgasmically juicy spot right between the neck and wing.

10. Critic's Choice: 'Double Indemnity'
Not 'Double Impact'

11. Doctors Give Hope to Patients With Long Histories of Unexplained Symptoms
Develop new pill, Psychosomunol

12. Harry Crews, Aging Wild Man, Publishes Again
Hairy crews of aging wild men punish Aragorn

1. Prosecutors won't probe Madonna's act
Not like in the old days.
2. Colossal Cosmic Collision Reveals Mysterious Dark Matter
Head-on collision releases not so mysterious brown matter.
3. 2 plead innocent in Phoenix shootings
Point to perfectly healthy Phoenix as proof of innocence.
4. GM to make reborn Camaro in Canada
30 and 40 year olds with mullets rejoice.
5. Adding Insult to Injury at Northwest
Customer service employees now allowed to punch aggrieved passengers after belittling them.
6. Former Burundian president arrested
On corruption charges related to illicit, and seeming imagined, beef sales.
7. Rolling Stones Back with Bang
Can only hear loud noises.
8. Parents buy cashmere for infants and toddlers
Asshole parents.
9. Wang predicts an upwardly Mobile future
Market just needs some stimulation.

or

9. Wang predicts an upwardly Mobile future
Chung less optimistic.

10.Alaska governor could be unseated
In hilarious statehouse hijinx!
11. NASA set to resume space station construction
Contractors show up suddenly after long absence, demand money.

Ned B8ty

1. Couple's reconciliation ends in 'drawn-out' brawl, death
I'd hate to see one of their fights

2. Xstrata not looking at Anglo bid: source
Paunch denies John much-deserved promotion

3. DR Congo outcome forces run-off
Rolling barrels and wacky, hopping critters were just too much for motorists to take.

4. Poison Attack Haunts Kurds
Poison Concert Taunts Nerds

5. Rush to spend old Zimbabwe money
Mostly on more toms and cymbals

6. Artificial muscles light up TVs
As millions tune in to 10 pm Sci-Fi Network's showing of Wrath of Khan.

7. No explosives in US airport alert
One sign there's too many incidences of explosives in airports.

8. Drugs greeting card dealer jailed
"Scratch & Sniff" inventory confiscated