Wait for it....

1. Merriman pulls plug on season, will have surgery
Resigned to experimental procedure after witnessing latest crop of must see tv.
2. Some in jury pool can't put aside Simpson's past
Later sequels in Police Squad series really left a bad taste in their mouths.
3. Cops: Ric Flair roughed up by daughter's boyfriend
Dressed garishly and brandishing a folding chair.
4. French court to try Church of Scientology
Having finished up recent experimentation with Zoroastrianism.
5. Lance Armstrong coming out of retirement for Tour
Singing backup with Lynryd Skynrd.
6. Bridge repair program unfocused, says GAO
"C'mon people!! That's not even a fucking bridge!"
7. Thomas says Constitution forbids racial preference
Unlucky for him constitution only gives him 2/3 value and no vote.
8. Can Exercise Overcome Genes?
Probably. Both Genes are pretty fat.

Not Quite Enough

1. Creating a new form of life
Much like Tin Man, but capable of surviving in an environment of pure Uron.

2. Scientists trying to re-enact 'Big Bang'
Gang from 'Revenge of the Nerds,' Now Gainfully Employed, Still Up to Their Old Hijinks

3. Rural Virginia town goes high-tech, draws Obama
In Microsoft Paint.

4. Still cleaning up from Gustav, Gulf Coast finds itself in crosshairs of another hurricane
"Thanks a lot, you lousy Kraut," common refrain as paddleboat extricated from urine-soaked beach.

5. Brady Done for the Season
Not Even Encouragement from Joe Namath Can Bring Him Back After Errant Toss Breaks Sister's Nose

6. Estimates say budget deficit nearing $407B
407-B. That's My Aparment Number. Heigh-Ho!!!!

7. Russia to keep 7,600 troops in 2 Georgia regions
Confederacy of States Really Regretting Succession in Alternate Universe Hell

8. Titans asked for police help to find QB Young
AP Reporter, Oblivious of Jeff Fischer's Sarcasm Following Lackluster Performance vs. Jaguars