Octogenerian

1. Miers' Answer Raises Questions
Foremost, "Is she on the tail-end of an Algernon drug bender?

2. Cable Deal a 'Mixed Blessing'
It includes TV Land and ESPN, but it also includes the CMT and FoxNews.

3. New tactic in meth fight
Encase the meth in spikey iron clubs

4. Saluki big men hope bulk equals success
Employing strategy commonly known as "The Oprah Gambit."

5. Man Recovers from Shark Attack
However, psychological scars from tortorous 10 minutes of Barnstormer may last a lifetime

6. DeLay Lawyers Want Judge Taken Off Case
Wouldn't mind baliffs & jailers not being involved, as well.

7. Bush pushes for guest worker program
With little more to lose, throws tosses final Hail Mary of attempting to reinstate indentured servitude.

8. Stars sign on for Johnny Cash special
It's the least several hundred of them can do, since he appeared on all their albums within the few years prior to his deth.

Sevenovation

1. Court Rules Kan. Can't Single Out Gay Acts
KS decides to eliminate all forms of sex, just to be safe.
2. Fla. Trailer Park Residents Await Wilma
They should really flee for their lives.
3. The Beatles Dubbed Icon of the Century
Just ahead of smiley face and the finger.
4. Aide: Government Better Prepared for Wilma
This time not on vacation.
5. Young Lawmaker Likens Congress to Jr. High
Without all the potential for growth.
6. NOAA Hurricane Hunters Track Wilma
Noah, ark builder, tracks Wilma.
7. Scientists to Create New Stem Cell Lines
By finally getting some.

Simply Seven

1. Blackberry Users Learning Painful Lesson
Not as tasty as name would imply.
2. Bush to Help Open New Exhibit at Library
Ironically, one on the positive aspects of book burning.
3. Census Looks at How Cities Grow in Daytime
Transformation into vampires during the night not well understood.
4. Countries Slam EU Offers to Cut Farm Aid
For many, it's the only chance to see Willie Nelson.
5. Global Warming a Major Threat in Africa
Plain old warming too.
6. Researchers: Technology Can Help Elderly
Or befuddle them.
7. Peru finds headless mummy predating Incas in Lima
Fairly clear that being headless an impediment to survival.

Back on the eighttrack

1. Huge Pumps To Relieve Dam Pressure
Huge dump to relieve damn pressure.
2. In Katrina's wake, a tattoo boom in New Orleans
People having name tatoo'd on their skin to make identifying their body easier next time.
3. Wilma Weakens Slightly, but Roars Ahead
Vows to save Twikki and Dr. Heur.
4. New Orleans Faces Massive Debris Problem
Pretty much the whole fucking place.
5. Senate Again Fails to Raise Minimum Wage
But again succeed in raising their own pay.
6. Eisner to helm 'Lagoon' redo for Universal
As long as he doesn't star in it.
7. Satellite hookup puts Stones on AMA show
Extreme age puts them on AARP show.
8. Isles' Satan Cool Toward Shootout Rule
Anything that leads to murder and mayhem is alright by him.

A Regular Old 12

1. Vatican Official Is Killed by Gunmen in Burundi
Clerical accutrements had them mistaking him for a runaway Ayrshire.

2. World Briefing Africa: Burundi: New Constitution Approved
Representing right to life, liberty, and pursuit of edible animals.

3. New Burundi chief here
With a fork in one hand and a bottle of A-1 steak sauce in the other.

4. Presidents of Burundi, Kenya to attend Uganda's independence celebrations
Kenyan president delivering keynote address; Burundi president seen poking around between slices of bread at the hors d'oeuvres table.

5. Health Tip: Your Child Doesn't Eat Meat
For you live in Burundi.

6. Burundi Travel Warning
Bring meat, or else

7. Burundi awarded 2005 Africa Peace Award
Burundi president, awarded for now-famous "Have a Stake in Peace" speech still desperately trying to explain how he's just been campaigning for a piece of steak.

8. Rift deepens among Burundi's lone rebels
Those who crave it well-done & those like it slightly pink

9. World Briefing Africa: Burundi: Power Transfer
75% of country's electrical capacity re-routed to gigantic, as-yet-unused flame broiling facilities.

10. Burundi Ex-Leader Freed
Press: Where are you going first?
Burundi Ex-Leader: McDonaldLand!

11. World Briefing Africa: Burundi: 150 Drown As Boat Capsizes
Foolish first mate had suggested there was an Arby's Big Roast Beef floating along, portside.

BeaTen but still fighTen

1. Michael Jackson Called for Jury Service
Raising the question as to whom is on trial with Jackson as his 'peer'.
2. Your Brain Remembers What You Forget
Holding memories for ransom in an effort to reduce alcohol consumption.
3. Astrologer predicts own death
Raising questions of conflict of interest.
4. Wal-Mart Heiress Returns USC Diploma
Buys USC.
5. Law Enforcement Group Issues Taser Guide
Nerd group issues Laser Tag guide.
6. Parents: Our daughter was molested at Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede
By a herd of cattle.
7. Bush Likely to Have More Praise for Abbas
Has Fernando on his Ipod.
8. U.N.: Darfur Fighting Hinders Aid
Kung Fu Fighting not much help either.
9. HP Pressures Blu-Ray on New DVD
Hall of Justice pressures Manta Ray on world domination.
10. Military: New Aluminum Windows Stop .50-Caliber Bullet
New x-ray glasses allow you to see through aluminum.