Weighting for the weekend

1. Jobs slashed, pointing to recession
Apple CEO left bloody by Treasury Secretary Paulson.
2. Some superdelegates more super than rest
Democratic party includes most of Justice League.
3. Officials serve warrants at Jeffs' ranch
Breaking with tradition of Jeff serving buffalo wings.
4. Pilotless drones to battle pot growers
So fear the pot smokers.
5. Kopitar lifts Kings past Sharks
The kingdom is saved!!! Thank you Kopitar!
6. Tancock sets record in 50 backstroke
This time left handed and indoors.
7. Students to Take Command of Saturn Probe
Plan to fly it to Uranus.
8. Fossilized poop reveals earliest inhabitants of US: study
Remains also found of curious 'floating bone'.

sTENtorian

1. Clinton likens herself to 'Rocky'
Unclear which aspects of brutish fictional character she was claiming for herself.
2. Pelosi says Democratic race should go on
Urges McCain to drop out, says "to hell with two party system!"
3. Gore announces anti-warming effort
Announces intention to have a bowl of ice cream.
4. Married troops can live together in Iraq
All unmarried troops as well.
5. Kathie Lee Gifford to join NBC's `Today'
NBC hopes to enter Guinness Book with records for vapidity and inanity.
6. EPA issues new rules on lead paint
Now safe to drink.
7. Hayden: Pakistan border poses danger
Clarifies, "Not the actual border, the people there, oh, you know what I meant!"
8. Love in the octopus' garden
Takes groping to an all new level.
9. Viagra: still going strong 10 years on
Urge immediate medical attention!!!
10. Experts now recommend hands-only CPR
Unless victim is hot.