Ten for the downtrodden

1. Sarah Jessica Parker 'Loves' New Perfume
Give her $1,00o,000 and she'll endorse a box of feces.
2. 'Magnificent Desolation' Brings the Moon Down to Earth
Dick Cheney's dream made real.
3. Former Guards: Pfc. England Impressionable
Comedians everywhere getting miles out of cigarette/pointing pose.
4. Suit against Courtney Love details singer's liquor-bottle assault
Liquor bottle ok with the drinking, scarred by where it went next.
5. Compromise Said Likely in EU-Iran Conflict
Demands by western nations to get another consonant in there somewhere rejected.
6. Pound down against the dollar
It might get flatter, but it'll be tough to tell.
7. Review: Gretchen Wilson Delivers _ Again
"Thanks for the pizza and crazy bread, Gretchen."
8. Treasury Chief Optimistic About IMF, Iraq
Less optomistic about EMF, finds them 'unbelievable'.
9. Spy Imagery Agency Prepares to Record Rita
Showering.
10. Overweight, obese could swell 50 percent in a decade: WHO
Recommends doors/chairs be made wider.

Toowelve

1. FEMA Sets Up Office in Texas As Rita Nears
On the coast, made of palm fronds.
2. Texans flee fearsome Rita
Lovely Rita remains in Liverpool.
3. Griffey Jr. Having Season-Ending Surgery
At season ending time.
4. World Golf Team Ready for Presidents Cup
Still sweaty from his days at Yale.
5. Cosmetics Firm Reviewing Kate Moss Deal
Columbian drug lords waiting in the wings.
6. Guidant Recalls More Pacemakers
All currently used by Dick Cheney
7.Europeans Drop Harsher Stance on Iran
Dust off dated but effective Buffalo Stance.
8. U.S. Envoy Wants to Visit North Korea
Chevy Envoy wants to visit gas station.
9. Google WiFi hints are on Web
As are Google's plans to destroy the Earth.
10. National Archives Indian Records Discarded
Pretty much the last slap in the face possible.
11. House GOP Begins Katrina Response Probe
Deems federal response excellent.
12. Bill Would Require Safety Plans for Pets
Bill can just shut his pie hole.

Power Outnine

1. Yushchenko Forms Alliance With Enemy
Has been promised governorship over Ukraine when Dark Lord rules the world

2. Houston-Area Residents Flee As Rita Nears
She has a black turtleneck, horn-rimmed glasses, and an issue of "Lavendar."

3. Disabled Airliner Creates a 3-Hour Drama in Skies
Ambitious, retarded airliner creates miniseries expected to be not quite as good as one made by senile monkey, but slightly better than ABC's "Invasion."

4. Nursing care lax at vets home
But then, everything is a lax at the vets home

5. Benefactor criticizes pro-Kelly group
Stream of spiteful profanities from disembodied, generous, god-like entity pretty much puts the nail in Kelly's political coffin

6. Jayhawks have the wings to soar
Unexpectedly crossing the line into bald-faced, bio-mutational engineering before Duke.

7. Vick questionable for Bills game (AP)
According to Vick, anyway. Translation: Vick has some questions about the Bills game.

8. USA: Senate pressures Japan over beef ban
Secretly, they just want to hear if Japanese diplomat sounds like Nute Gunray when he says, "Senate"

9. Storm forces NASA to pass space station control to Russia
Russia already at work installing evil ninja hordes, metal-mouths, and shark pools.
6.

Stopping on a Dime

1. The Fine Art of Foam
"Foam expert" from 2004 shuttle investigation won't shut up

2. Grand Ave. building freeze on hold
Which means that they once again underway

3. Cincinnati to seek eligibility for C Allen
Huggins crafts letter to Ohio Board of Corrections

4. First Lady Tackles Poverty, Race Issues
On a very special episode of Everybody Loves Raymond

5. Senate Votes to Ban Japan Beef Imports
And have them re-routed to...Burundi? Hey, stop that robed man! (receding steps, sound of a slammed door)

6. Yushchenko gropes for way out of crisis after latest blow
Unfortunately, the crisis is a sexual harassment suit.

7. Basra Governor Wants Apology From Britain
Whines that "there is no 'r' at the end of 'Basra.'"

8. Cities' new job 1: disaster plans
Thank God the war on terrorism is over

9. Yemen Immigrant Guilty of Funneling Funds
Department of Immigration produces schematic of his piggy bank for evidence

10. Officers Screened to Be England Jurors
Do they agree to wear powdered wigs and do they know what "pokies" are?

Tenacious D

1. Rita Plows Across Gulf; Patients Evacuated
Patients living on oil rigs.
2. FDA OKs Breast Implants Under Conditions
Sterile conditions, lets hope.
3. Hornets to Play in Oklahoma City
T-Clog cancels plans to visit, citing fear of killer bees.
4. Chesney Says 'I'll Be OK' After Split
Hamstrings will be sore for a couple days, but they should be fine.
5. Katrina Evacuees in Texas Now Flee Rita
No other states willing to take them for fear of disaster.
6. Ford Discusses Hybrid Engine Plans
Engine to burn only the finest gasoline or old growth redwoods.
7. Marshall Field's Name Change Upsets Some
Field Marshal only popular with Stratego players.
8. Larry Fisher thought he would get more time for sex attacks in Saskatoon
Wife came home early and caught him in the act.
9. In Brief: Zend enhances PHP management in Zend Platform 2
No question that Zend was the man for that job.
10. Bush Administration Touts Rita Readiness
Lucky for them Texas is next to LA.

Bar ten din

1. Forecasters Fear Hurricane Rita's Strength
Forecasters lucky to be putting 35's on the bar.
2. Katrina Raises Voters' Doubts About Bush
One fucking year too late.
3. Gotti trial ends with hung jury
Literally.
4. Missing Argentine Men Sought in Antarctica
They were known to be excellent swimmers.
5. Jarrett Gets Parrott Back As Crew Chief
Polly wants a fast pit.
6. IRL Unification Not Priority for Johnson
Getting into a vagina is.
7. Microsoft Reorganizes; Allchin to Retire in 2006
To be succeeded by Allnuts.
8. Tax Breaks for Katrina May Aid Rich More
No way.
9. NASA Names New Shuttle Program Manager
Because his parents refused to.
10. Peru finds giant crocodile fossil in Amazon
Elton John called in as expert on crocodile/rock.

Four is More

Cyclone volleyball stuns No. 18 Texas
Oddly enough, nobody on the Texas team noticed the large orange cord attached to the ball.

Student-athletes talk about their academic sides
Never a good idea to have athletes talk.

How to hunt whitetail staging areas
The poor guy who is getting paid $5.25 per hour to wear the deer costume better run fast.

A catfish is eating my arm! And that's what I wanted to happen!
His friend, was arrested for letting a catfish eat his penis. Stupid bastard!

Eight of the Union

1. Sharon Returns Home to New Scandal
Dan starts Netflix membership without discussing it first

2. Jury May Be Deadlocked in Gotti Case
Jury definitely dreadlocked in fake-Rasta bank heist case

3. England Plans to Fight Abu Ghraib Charges
Plans to begin as she always does, by stripping them naked, peeing on them

4. Obesity Increases Risk of Miscarriage
Also increases risk of missbus

5. Shark attacks spark "kill or be killed" debate
Those few on the "be killed" side of the issue really facing a challenge

6. Specter backs Chief justice nominee Roberts
Spectre backs late Chief justice nominee Earl Warren

7. Guard relief hurt by obsolete equipment
Imperial Guard, whose inability to coordinate help after 2nd Death Star disaster went down in infamy

8. Kerry, Edwards see chance for change after Katrina
About three years and 2 months after, that is.

Benign

1. Texans Fire Offensive Coordinator Palmer
Defensive coordinator praised, particularly work against Santa Anna.
2. Hurricane Warnings Posted for Florida Keys
Pretty much all the time.
3. Residents Streaming Back to New Orleans
Coming by stream that is.
4. North Korea Pledges to Drop Nuke Programs
On Seoul.
5. Shiites Gather in Defiance of Insurgents
Creating a larger target.
6. Fake Rastafarian arrested in bank heist
Real Rastafarians not that ambitious.
7. Sword expert accused of stabbing his wife's lover to death
Sword expert should have felt lucky he was married at all.
8. Panel Recommends Ways to Improve Elections
At the top of the list: exclude Republicans.
9. Part of New Orleans reopened
Other parts floating in the gulf.

Eightergeist

1. Cheney to Have Surgery Next Weekend
Just for the fun of it.
2. Man Leads Police on Chase at Airport
That man? OJ Simpson, combining his greatest and worst moments.
3. Greenspan Renews Mortgage Giant Concerns
Fee fo fum fi, looks like you've got PMI.
4. Merkel under pressure after German vote debacle
Erkel under pressure after student election debacle.
5. Vodafone Japan to beef up handset portfolio
Burundi places order.
6. Boozy Oktoberfest wont keep Germans from the polls
Might confuse voting machines with toilets, but as long as they pull the lever when they're done, so what?
7. Afghan Ballots Sent to Counting Centers
Looks like a busy week for Bob Cratchett.
8. NASA Wants Astronauts Back on Moon by 2018
Moon....right....