Elrond Half-Eleven

1. Rescued U.S. Hostage Flies Home From Iraq
And boy are his arms tired.
2. Court: 'Dirty Bomb' Suspect Can Be Held
Told everything's going to be ok.
3. Katrina Divides Rather Than Unifies U.S.
The bitch.
4. Chemist's tiny evidence makes big statement in murder case against umpire
His 'tiny evidence' wins him big praise at home too.
5. Egypt Newspapers Hail Mubarak Re-Election
Under threat of shutdown.
6. Mexico Army Brings Aid to Katrina Victims
Found camping out in Alamo.
7. They're Here: Microsoft TV-Enabled Set-Top Boxes
Start rebooting your tv right now.
8. Poll: Majority Now Want Bush Focus on U.S.
Anything but clearing brush. Bush vows to stay the course, heads back to Crawford.
9. Dems Want Input on O'Connor Replacement
Will get nothing and like it.
10. Pet Monkey Escapes, Bites Boy on Buttocks
Monkey: what did you expect, I'm a monkey!
11. Rare White Giraffe Photographed
Then killed and stuffed.

8trina

1. Pats Big Favorites in Opener Vs. Raiders
Raiders unwittingly challenge them to rousing evening of Star Trek trivia & the Guiness World Record Board Game

2. Hallums Family Elated by Rescue in Iraq
Helium's family inflated by rescue in Iraq

3. After arrest, guard urinates on jail computer
With hands cuffed behind his back, aim was even more off than usual

4. Wife convicted of milkshake murder to appeal-report
Anxious pizza killer watching results of trial very closely

5. Ancient and modern man lived side by side -study
For about four weeks, in 1996, at New Brighton Estates.

6. Cereal may be best breakfast for the waistline
Good news for all you Oreo-Os lovers out there.

7. Oregon's Obesity Rate Remains Steady
Expanding waists of lumber workers largely cancels out thinning ones of Portland stoners

8. What to Do if Your Kid Is Using Drugs
Encourage them to watch "Time-Out: The Truth About Drugs," starring Magic Johnson and Arsenio Hall.

Ten?

1. New Orleans' Holdouts Coaxed From Homes
With promises of cheese.
2. Rehnquist's Casket on Its Way to Funeral
Rehnquist not, plotting with Dumbledore on battle against Voldemort.
3. Camp Edwards Evacuee Plan Scrapped
Evacuees demand consideration of Camp Snoopy plan.
4. Gunmen Kill Ex-Palestinian Security Chief
Suge Knight takes his show on the road.
5. Blair calls for world to send anti-terrorism message
Already wrote rough draft if anyone wants to read it. Anyone?
6. Pound firms up
As it should.
7. Microsoft outlines mid-size business software push
In the shape of two big hands.
8. High-Tech Parking Meters Rake in Coins
Wander streets look for spare change.
9. Disaster Price Tag for Katrina Balloons
While good for children, maybe not the bst use of badly needed funds.
10. BMW Joins GM, DaimlerChrysler on Engines
Need them. Wonder where Ford is.

Ten Squat Thrusts to Exorcise My Demons

1. Four American Contractors Killed in Basra
While listening to Basia - not even Time and Tide could protect them.
2. Treasurys Lower on Verge of Fed Pause
Federal Reserve Board to become men 'o pause.
3. Barr, Teva to Sell Generic Allegra
To come with free sandals.
4. Strike Disrupts Output at Total Refineries
Consumer likely to only get 98% of vitamins and iron.
5. Inebriated Belgian woman dies in cemetery accident
Cutting down on transportation charges.
6. Mexico Sending Storm Relief Convoy to U.S.
Trucks filled with laborers willing to do any job.
7. Suspected Rebels Cause Colombia Outage
Maps and globes everywhere flickered briefly but were left with only darkened outline.
8. Hurriyat leader plans talks with Musharraf
Following closely on the heals of historic meeting between Hurriyap and al Takemytime.
9. Ex-Student Sentenced for Computer Hacking
100% of Americans ex-students.
10. Sharman Networks To Appeal Court Ruling Against Kazaa
Charmin Networks in tough struggle against Klingons.

Back in the Thick of Eight

1. Egyptians Vote in Presidential Election
Curiously, for George Bush. Voting machines by Dibold.

2. A Home for the Brave
3422 Johnson Street-9 months since last bathroom cleaning

3. Baton Rouge a Booming Haven for the Displaced
Crowds soon to be joined by mysterious Swimmin' Dude.

4. Council election draws 8 in fray
Council election draws ape with Fay Wray

5. DOUBLE IDENTITY
Probably starring Halle Berry and Tommy Lee Jones

6. Out of Africa come hoop lessons
Unfortunately, conducted by Meryl Streep and Robert Redford

7. 'Transporter 2' Carries Off Audiences
Producer left, head buried in hands, wondering what the hell he was thinking

8. Singapore calls for public effort to stem spread of dengue fever
Middle school chaparones call for public effort to stem spread of "Merengue fever"

Occeightsional Headline Efforts

1. TV's Gilligan Dead
Cumalative lifetime effects on skull by skipper-cap beatings.

2. FEMA's Brown Faces Destruction, Criticism
Not too worried about the criticism.

3. Oil-for-food probe: UN needs overhaul to stop fraud
Oil-for-beef probe: Burundi at the center of investigation

4. Comet-Busting Mission Puzzles Scientists
Where did this "Fisto" guy come from anyway, and why doesn't he need a space suit?

5. Armstrong: Mars Easier Voyage Than Moon
Rest of world, including Buzz Aldrin: Nice try

6. LawmDeep Impact probe shows a fragile, empty comet
However, scientists feel sudden, sharp burning pain in their necks every time they try to consider it.

7. Indian president urges cut in fossil fuel use
Indian chief urges increase in fossil tool use

8. Many U.S. doctors ill-trained on cultural gaps-study
Evidenced by large number of practicioners attempting to communicate with minority patients through awkward, non-rhythmic rap.

3 Squared

1. New Orleans Mayor Seeing 'Rays of Light'
Unpurchased copies of Madonna single float lazily by in contaminated flood waters.

2. U.S. Bombs Bridges to Thwart Insurgents
Inadvertantly thwarts all bridge users. US taxpayers to pay to rebuild bridge.

3. Survey: Service Sector of Economy Grows
Identical headline found in 1284AD edition of Serf Times.

4. Court Orders Kazaa to Stop Pirates
Look for next Shaq adventure in theaters soon.

5. Analysis: Deep Impact Comet All Fluff -
Marshmallow fluff. What an amazing universe!

6. Suge Knight Out of Hospital After Shooting
Three nurses and an orderly were injured during his escape.

7. Anne Rice Criticizes Katrina Response
Releases vampire army to deal wtih perpetrators.

8. Toyota Computer Makes You Watch the Road
Volkswagon bus computer makes you watch Hawken's Breed.

9. Scanners Help Determine What Pleases Women
Scanners can see through pants.