Occeightsional Headline Efforts

1. TV's Gilligan Dead
Cumalative lifetime effects on skull by skipper-cap beatings.

2. FEMA's Brown Faces Destruction, Criticism
Not too worried about the criticism.

3. Oil-for-food probe: UN needs overhaul to stop fraud
Oil-for-beef probe: Burundi at the center of investigation

4. Comet-Busting Mission Puzzles Scientists
Where did this "Fisto" guy come from anyway, and why doesn't he need a space suit?

5. Armstrong: Mars Easier Voyage Than Moon
Rest of world, including Buzz Aldrin: Nice try

6. LawmDeep Impact probe shows a fragile, empty comet
However, scientists feel sudden, sharp burning pain in their necks every time they try to consider it.

7. Indian president urges cut in fossil fuel use
Indian chief urges increase in fossil tool use

8. Many U.S. doctors ill-trained on cultural gaps-study
Evidenced by large number of practicioners attempting to communicate with minority patients through awkward, non-rhythmic rap.