3 Squared

1. New Orleans Mayor Seeing 'Rays of Light'
Unpurchased copies of Madonna single float lazily by in contaminated flood waters.

2. U.S. Bombs Bridges to Thwart Insurgents
Inadvertantly thwarts all bridge users. US taxpayers to pay to rebuild bridge.

3. Survey: Service Sector of Economy Grows
Identical headline found in 1284AD edition of Serf Times.

4. Court Orders Kazaa to Stop Pirates
Look for next Shaq adventure in theaters soon.

5. Analysis: Deep Impact Comet All Fluff -
Marshmallow fluff. What an amazing universe!

6. Suge Knight Out of Hospital After Shooting
Three nurses and an orderly were injured during his escape.

7. Anne Rice Criticizes Katrina Response
Releases vampire army to deal wtih perpetrators.

8. Toyota Computer Makes You Watch the Road
Volkswagon bus computer makes you watch Hawken's Breed.

9. Scanners Help Determine What Pleases Women
Scanners can see through pants.