Headlines: 08/07/2005

1. N.Y. Manure Spill Blamed for Fish Deaths
And one god-awful stink.
2. Giant Waterfall Discovered in Calif. Park
Discoverer not dissuaded by catchy TLC song.
3. Attorney: Nuke Waste Put Community at Risk
Failed to consider benefits of multiple Toxic Avengers.
4. Man Arrested at Okla. Airport With Device
Anal Intruder not seen as a threat to airline passengers, but to moral fabric of society.
5. Van Halen Sues Baltimore Orioles
Eddie Van Halen gives up piano and goes to law school.
6. Fed Chairman Inspires Virginia Painter
Specializes in still-lifes.
7. Chrysler Introduces Dodge Ram Mega Cab
Towing capacity allows for requisite oil tanker to be pulled behind.
8. All Striking British Airways Staff Return
Unremarkably plain staff stay home.
9. Lebanon Frees Radical Muslim Cleric
Free radical cleric wandering the countryside causing cancer, then healing it.
10. Sharon Goes From Builder to Dismantler
Lucy ready for next round of Legos.
11. Google Halts Scanning of Copyrighted Books
Didn't realize how many books there were.
12. Scientists find errors in global warming data
'Scientists' working for Exxon-Mobil.
13. Schwarzenegger Accuser Said to Strike Deal
'Like a girlie-man.'

1. Girl, 8, Killed by Tree at Boy Scout Camp
Not by tree exactly, but what was in the tree.
2. U.S. jobless claims fall unexpectedly
Just clumsy, I guess.
3. Beanie Sigel Set Free
Lord help us all.
4. Reporter Said to Trespass on Pitt Property
Now trapped at bottom of deep hole covered in snakes.
5. Courtney Love Reportedly Fails Drug Test
It would have been noteworthy only if she'd passed.
6. Beloved Kermit the Frog Approaching 50
Would have been dead long ago if still in the wild.
7. Oliver Stone Enters Plea in Pot Charge
"Please give me my pot back!"
8. Roberts Advocated Noncommittal Stances
Mighty Tom seen as next likely candidate for Supreme Court.
9. Bush: Leaving Iraq Would Be a Bad Signal
Ever?
10. Seniors Should Protect Themselves From Summer Heat
Especially when lounging by lazy streams on skip day.

1. It's Liberty vs. Security in Spanish Terror Trial
Goddess of Democracy kicks Worf in the nuts

2. Vegetarians, older folk advised to get enough B12
Everyone else advised to avoid the vitamin; succumb to dizziness, comas and, eventually, death.

3. Govt to promote increased use of gas-run vehicles
To run commercials suggesting

4. Bush Taps Miller to Oversee War Monuments
Receives his "shot of courage," as is his standard practice before engaging in any official capacity for which he does not care and/or understand.

5. Leahy Faults White House for 'Slow-Walking' Roberts Papers that Were Promised to the Senate
White House counters that they deserve some credit for getting the papers to walk at all

6. Army Whistleblower Draws Fire
Hapless, penny-whistle blowing soldier running about none other than Pfc. Baldrick, attempting another one of his "cunning plans."

7. Garcia Likes Baltusrol
It makes his cold sores feel better

8. Kansas Schools OK Scrutiny of Evolution
Those who voted are, ironically, best evidence against it

8. Ark. Readies for Release of School Shooter
A full two weeks before flood officially recedes

1. U.N. Removes Seals at Iran Nuke Site
Moral of workers to suffer with the absence of lovable mammals.
2. Shuttle's Future Unclear After Landing
NASA's Magic Eight Ball needs some retooling.
3. Video Game Player Guilty in Ala. Slaying
Video game player head of Microsoft.
4. Yankee Stadium Fan Plunges From Upper Deck
Fans of stadiums banned from all MLB games.
5. Demotion of Soccer Team Prompts Violence
Former soccer team now a lacrosse team.
6. New Sprint Nextel will focus on 3rd screen
Plans to offer Dragon's Lair instead of usual Tetris clone as game.
7. Bush Bypasses Senate to Install Edelman
Considers bypassing electorate to install cronies.
8. Food Pyramid Is Supposed to Look Simple
3 sided figure too complicated for many. Considering Food Line or even Food Point.
9. Japanese Happy Shuttle Returned Safely
Fucking Japanese make a mockery of space.

1. Alaska Sea Otters to Get U.S. Protection
Will be cut off from poachers by network of refineries & pipelines.

2. White House Sides With N.H. on Abortion
If doctors are to be stopped from performing abortions, guns should be involved.

3. 'Erotic Show' Planned for N.Y. Fundraiser
Fundraiser for Hillary's campaign, but to be attended by Bill.

4. Government to Examine Payola, Vows Action
Line of Toyota cars that require about $800 a month in maintenance

5. Report Identifies Lapses in NIH Monitoring
No telling how many highly-intelligent rats may have escaped, and how their Machiavellian schemes may yet affect us.

6. India adds 2.49 mln mobile users in July
Cell phone use while driving epidemic in US nothing compared to India's impending disaster of cell phone use while biking

7. Apple iTunes Japan sells 1 mln songs in four days
Today is a good day for Queensryche.

8. Copy-protected CDs incompatible but sell well
People can't even play the music they buy but DON'T APPEAR TO FUCKING CARE!

9. IBM To Unveil Grid Computing Bundles At LinuxWorld
Computer engineer's 9-year old son's dreams dashed when family vacation booked for LinuxWorld.

1. Sandstorm Halts Work on Iraqi Constitution
Prompting one lawmaker to muse: 'Perhaps working on this outside was a bad idea. Praise Allah.'
2. U.S. Forests Getting 'Loved to Death'
Forestry curriculum at major universities called into question, as are their students.
3. Rosie O'Donnell to Join 'Fiddler on Roof'
Engineers uncertain if roof can stand the strain.
4. Discovery to Take Another Try at Landing
If it doesn't work this time, vow to fly to Mars.
5. Meteor strikes may have aided early life-study
Not including direct hits.
6. Report Examines High School Science Labs
Report copied by other scientists before being turned in.
7. 'Brush with death' inspired anti-obesity crusade: Clinton
Early brush with poontang led to lifetime 'trying to get some' crusade.
8. Va. Officials Target Minority Obesity
Broad side of barn metaphors ruled off limits.