A "Feeling More Like Dicking Around Than Working Today" Ten

1. Clinton Is Cultivating an Image as a Centrist

Has been concentrating on issues situated squarely between your legs.

2. To Obey Orders or Obey God

Man at Parliament concert almost certain he heard the Lord asking him not to "bop"

3. A new way to visit jail - on the Web

Complete with butt-fucking from a member of The Geek Squad.

4. Teen Still Critical After Disney Ride

Refuses to recant earlier claims it was commercial, cheesy, "gay"

5. Sex Offenders Banned From Storm Shelters

Inadvertantly, by wording that prohibits "opening the hatch" and "rear entry"

6. Russian bird flu may be spreading

Cases now found in Kamchatka, Ural mountains, and Middle East.

7. Va. Officials Target Minority Obesity

Declare Fat Boys "Public Enemy #1"

8. Justice Stevens Criticizes Death Penalty

Out of the blue, for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Authorities immediately begin searching his house, property, cold storage.

9. N.J. Governor Hopeful Defends Donations

Former N.J. Governor Defended Sperm Donations.

10. Clinton Lauds Presidential Libraries Stamp

Reserve list already up to six-month wait on holdings from Clinton's periodical section.