Feight of Nations

1. Congress Passes Far-Reaching Energy Bill
Far reaching and short-sighted, like the forbidden love child of Mr. Magoo and Stretch Armstrong.
2. Iowa Woman Apparently Kills Sons, Self
Note left behind indicated picture of grandmother demanded it.
3. Police: Nude man was searching for Forrest Gump's home
RUN Forrest, RUN!
4. Wendy's to Sell Part of Tim Hortons Chain
Tim no longer biking to work.
5. Prosecutors Looking Into Whether DeFede Violated Florida Taping Law
If nothing else, loud CLUNK at end of songs should be illegal.
6. Prosecutors Clear One German Referee
They're no Evil Knievels, but a good start nonetheless.
7. New Stamp to Honor Presidential Libraries
USPS running out of stamp ideas, considers 64 best butts in America.
8. Rice Proposes State Department Shuffle
"They're not here to cause any trouble..."