21 Gun Salute

1.
Roberts Could Leave Conservative Imprint
If dropped into sand.
2.
Man Accused of Hitting Vietnamese Official
Only after having nuts grabbed.
3.
Victim: Rudolph Acquitted in Mock Trials
Found guilty in mock headlines.
4.
Pentagon names new chief Guantanamo defense lawyer
Lionel Hutz.
5.
Colombia Names Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales much easier to say than John Ashcroft.
6.
No safety standards exist for pool where Quebec girl drowned
It was a pool of her own saliva.
7.
Blair Proposes Islam Extremism Conference
To cut down on extremist travel expenses, suggests Baghdad.
8.
'Star Trek' Star James Doohan Dies
Truly 'canna give 'er any more.'
9.
Defense Opens in Diaz Topless Photos Trial
His zipper, during late night evidence review.
10.
Online pirates pounce on new Harry Potter book
Still sells more books than Jesus.
11.
Pistons Let Brown Go, Reach Settlement
With Fedex.
12.
Amir Khan Quickly Wins First Pro Fight
Not likely to fare as well versus Khan Noonien Singh.
13.
Parents group urges recall of video game 'GTA'
After failing to control their own children.
14.
Gates Puzzled by Computer Science Apathy
God knows HE loved it.
15.
Bush Says Government Focused on Security
Thinks about it ever' day. Ever' day.
16.
Bush's Intelligence Briefing Gets Overhaul
Now with improved cherry flavoring.
17.
Hispanic Children at a Glance
Don't stare too long, they might rob you.
18.
Experts Say Arkansas May Have Earthquake
Can't decide how best to explain it to the locals. May say it was a semi driving close to the house.
19.
U.S. lawmakers push a longer day to save energy
Considers using nuclear weapons to alter Earth's orbit.
20.
Health of America's Kids Continues to Improve
Except for rapidly growing number of fat kids.
21.
Yersinia enterocolitica
Galactic Bounty Hunter.