George Tenet

1. Convicted Spy Pollard Loses Appeal
Maybe its the toll years of hardened prison life has taken on his face, or maybe it's just the plunger up his anus.

2. Activists Lack Allies in Battling Court Pick
Group of nerdy policy wonks begin excrutiatingly long set up for eventual rousing game of Activists & Allies.

3. 4-Bomb Plot Puts London Back on Edge -
Leader of terrorists former Gillette executive. Leader of rival terrorists, former Bic executive, begins plans for a 5-Bomb Plot.

4. MIA's new leader plans to expand on solid foundation
Aims to escape from Vietnamese Tiger Pit after adding to growing staircase of his own, now-hardened, shit.

5. LIFE OF PAYNE
You try working at McDonalds in Mason City with everyone still calling you "Freshman Sensation."

6. Allergic fans safe at home
For Luke Ridnour has just stepped out of the locker room.

7. After the Fall, Still Paradise
Two previously forgotten Whitesnake albums unearthed in the bargain cassette bin at that Big Steer Conoco.

8. Hewlett-Packard, a Pioneer in Technology, to Cut 14,500 Jobs
Appropriately, to replace with robots.

9. News Corp. to Acquire MySpace
Live feeds from my laundry room, reporters rummaging through my silverware; it's awful!

10. Polluting Now to Save Trees in the Future
The flimsy rationale behind strategically-placed bottles containing cheap trinkets, questionable fluids.