Thirteen for Thursten

1. Civil War-Era Baseball Recreated in Wash.
Ken Burns creams jeans.

2. Green Sea Turtle Makes Rare Va. Delivery
Bacchus, God of Wine, dismounts and strides ashore at Newport News, bearing fruits of his Lordship.

3. Cause of Garang death unclear
No one ruling out the fireballs that were repeatedly thrown at him from beyond his range of vision.

4. Ex-WorldCom executive gets prison time
Ironically, judge rounds sentence up to next decade.

5. Walgreen moving some cold medication behind counter
Cashier's balls have been red & swollen.

6. Young Archaeologists Dig for Treasure
Unfortunately, choose to do so in Ingawanis gully.

7. Academy Mentors Young Minority Programmers
High-tech criminal teams short on token black guys.

8. NCAA Bans Indian Mascots From Postseason
Western Oklahoma Yogis launch immediate appeal.

9. And the song that changed the world is...
"Saved the Best for Last": Vanessa Williams.

10. Mentally Ill Often Victims of Violent Crime
Perpetrated by Klingons, according to them, anyway.

11. Ministry Slammed for Stem Cell Comments
Should be slammed for 1995 release: Filth Pig.

12. Cloned dog raises ethical questions of its science
Scientists initially startled, then unnerved and intimidated by its British accent.

13. Environmentalists see hope in Exxon CEO change
Don't realize former CEO just appointed Secretary of Commerce.