Manic Thirtana

1. Iraq Hopes to Finish Constitution on Time
Which gives them idea. They steal Finnish Constitution.

2. Missing Prosecutor's Laptop Found in River
Local resident saw pleats breaking the surface next to a submerged log.

3. With flight plan, closed bridge no sweat
Enos holds hat on head in disbelief as orange hotrod rockets through barricade, then up & over a previously hidden natural earth ramp.

4. Mother's choice reverberates
Father tired from long day in office, no longer need to perform "husbandly duties"

5. Britain Makes Show of Force in Subways
Rocks, R2 units lifted telekinetically in first round of anti-terrorist exercises.

6. Bronchiolitis
Spent most of it's life in Mesozoic swamps, breathing raspily through airhole on top of head.

7. Fla. Steps Up Fight Against Citrus Canker
Desperate attempt to cure most painful allfiction known to man: canker sores that continuously secrete own supply of concentrated citric acid.

8. Israeli zoo in Gaza poised to evacuate animals
Including river otters gleefully frolicking and sliding around on West Bank.

9. Bacall Rips Cruise's 'Vulgar' Behavior
With face caked in vulgar levels of make-up

10. Celebs Join B.B. King for Museum Benefit
BB King, upon arriving in what he thought was banquet hall, discovers he is in small plexiglass enclosure with no exit and informative placard containing brief BB King bio pasted next to it.

11. Highlights of CMA Festival to Air on ABC
Hopefully at the early morning hours of 1, 2, or 3.

12. Simpson makes saucy 'Dukes of Hazzard' film debut
Simpson thanks goddess of "Saucy," without whom she's got nothing. Nothing.

13. Shopping With...Lucy Sykes Rellie, childrenswear designer
Coming in at #2 of the list of things that would make Dan say "Please Kill Me," following only being a member of a bridal party at the wedding of someone you hardly know.