7 Swans - you know the story

1.
Last-Minute Holiday Shoppers Hit Malls
Leave wrecked, stunned cashiers in their wake.
2.
Gray Hair Holds Clues to Fighting Cancer
Blue hair holds key to buffet deals.
3.
2 Men Convicted in Texas Smuggling Scheme
Scheme involved a wheel-barrow and a pile of dirt across the border in OK.
4.
Falluja Returnees Angry, 'City Unfit for Animals'
If any animals remained alive, they would heartily disagree.
5.
Top German Comedian Back on TV After Year Off
Retooled act features no less than a dozen jokes about schnitzel.
6.
Santa Workshop Said Under Threat from N.Pole Thaw
All freezers and refrigerators in complex thrown open in futile attempt to avert disaster.
7.
In U.S., So Many Obese, So Many Hungry
Cannabilism may be the answer.

Tentamount to Torture

1. ACLU: FBI Ruse Used in Guantanamo Abuse
Prisoners apparently forced to engage in Tweedle Deedle Beetle Battle Using Paddles in a Bottle

2. Gravity May Lose Its Pull
Religious world in awe as KY board of education sets sights on anti-science coup-de-gras.

2. Water cleanup plan is back

3. Rockets: Dynamic duo finally shows up
A little trouble on the way with leaky bucket, but Zan turns into "Ice-Wilt-Chamberlain" and starts wreaking some serious havoc.

4. British Official Assisted in Visa Case
Flat little bastard thought they'd never find him in there

5. Exercise Program Specially Fit to Needs of Mentally Ill People
Universal Machine equipped with notch to accomodate handle from fishing nets they wear on their heads

6. They Hear Him
They are people in Grundy Center. He is Jim Westphal.

7. Google/Yahoo Rivalry Moves Into 2005
Along with everything else, everywhere

8. House of Hope pastor returns to first love: acting
Wishes members of congregation well as they leave sanctuary.

9. Apple Valley finishes strong to win 9th title
Shorewood residents resigned and dismayed as they watch another chance for "Whitest Suburb" go up in smoke.

10. Don't Compromise Safety, Says Drug Import Report
Turn those DEA boats right around and forget you saw anything.

10 point lead.

1.1
Three Years in the Hot Seat
Ass blisters unbearable.
1.2
Report: U.S. Rentals Unaffordable to Poor
$19/month at Rent-a-Center finally determined to be a bad deal.
1.3
Bush: Iraqi Troops Not Ready to Take Over
Ironically, insurgents are.
1.4
El Paso Posts Loss as Output Dips
Dip output at record low.
1.5
Last Hungarian Soldiers Leave Iraq
Fuckers left a week old pot of goulash unwashed.
1.6
Gleevec a Cost-Effective Treatment
For nothing in particular.
1.7
Man killed on I-95 fleeing paramedics
Showed them
1.8
Bay Harbor Islands ordered to allow Nativity scene alongside menorah
Acknkowledges everyone involved was a Jew.
1.9
Body Found At Boy Scout Camp
Frozen to death next to wood, matches, gasoline.
1.10
Orangevale Man 'Googles' Long Lost Dog, Reunites
In the privacy of his own home.

Tentalus Colony

1. China's Hu Praises Macau on Anniversary
"I macau this card"

2. Beatification Approved for Hawaii Nun
Pope declares her officially meek, poor

3. Deliberations Resume in Smuggling Trial
Defense for asks jury how they think 7'2" Wookie could fit in 4' x 4' cargo hold.

4. Gulf Arabs Want Polls to Lead to Broad-Based Iraq
Western powers question motives of Sheik Mel Sharples-led group

5. Report: Remains of 7,500-Year-Old Man Found in UAE
Alan Greenspan finally done in by heat during visit to middle eastern economic allies

6. Ariane Rocket Launches French Spy Satellite
To continually survey Venus, the planet of love

7. Whale Shark Finds New Friends in Indian Fishermen
Inventors of new, 50,000-bristle balleen toothbrush

8. Snowball Fight in Saturn's Rings
One of many uproarious scenes in previously unreleased film starring the Beatles as astronauts

9. EU Fishing Talks Spark Protests
Criticism rampant over Prime Minister Gibbons' proposed inflatable fleet

10. No Safe Place for Satellites
Would be well advised to start hanging out with the Georgia Satellites

Six - The Grand Illusion

1.
Army Unveils New, Ultra-Real Simulation
Iraq.
2.
Martin puts 'cards on the table' in talks with Libyan leader Gadhafi
Keeps head/wristbands right where they are.
3.
Poll Shows Seniors Back Medical Marijuana
High school seniors.
4.
Gonococcal Infections
More fun than a monkey in your pants.
5.
Circumcision
A little old fashioned, but worth the trouble.
6.
Experts Say Low-Carb Craze May Be Over
Gluttony reasserts itself after catching its breath.
7.
U.S. Settles Holocaust Survivors 'Gold Train' Case
Disco survivors settle Soul Train case.