Sexysixy

1. McCain campaign won't commit to debate on Friday
Campaign trapped in 'debating debate' infinite loop.
2. Researchers: Quebec bedrock may be Earth's oldest
Evidence uncovered of woolly mammoth dishwasher.
3. Ky. man claims penis amputated without consent
One would hope.
4. NYC photog sues for return of Marilyn Monroe pics
Has been unable to masturbate for weeks.
5. Hot dogs outside Philly ballpark cause bomb scare
Hot dogs inside men's rooms cause biohazard scare.
6. Colombia officials report finding more rebel data
Secret base NOT on Dantooine.

Evan Seven

1. NASA Delays Shuttle Mission to Hubble
Shuttle headed to Washington to help in bailout negotiations.
2. Colorful study probes climate change, fall foliage
Fourth grade group project illustrated entirely with Crayola 64 count box.
3. 9/11 mastermind mounts vigorous defense at Gitmo
Threatens to fly plane into judge.
4. FAA suspends sleeping airline pilots
In hammocks.
5. Michael Douglas asked about Wall Street crisis
Greed no longer seen as good.
6. Man with no pants at doughnut shop pleads guilty
If buying donuts naked is wrong, he doesn't want to be right.
7. Mysterious New 'Dark Flow' Discovered in Space
ISS toilet malfunctioning again.

Ten commandments

1. McCain Calls For Citizenship Path For Undocumented Irish
Grudgingly having given in to 'niggers and chinks'.
2. Palin to Meet World Leaders, Bono
To start 'world's greatest band' shortly thereafter.
3. Obama To Shoot Hoops, McCain To Nap Before Debate
Thereby explaining the sweatpants and bed head.
4. UK experts say Stonehenge was place of healing
Specializing in back injuries caused by lifting.
5. Airliner overruns O'Hare runway, no injuries
If you exclude underwear, dignity.
6. Salt shortage, high prices may mean slippery roads
Not to mention bland foods.
7. Gambler's $20M lawsuit against casinos tossed
Did not know "when to fold 'em".
8. Congress, Bush team agree on some bailout terms
3 hours spent overcoming Bush's association of 'bailout' with childhood boating trips.
9. Did Pakistan soldiers shoot at US helicopters?
Reporter looking for any information you might have.
10. Obesity may diminish a man's fertility
And chances of testing it at all.