K Nine

1.
Paris Hotel Fire Kills at Least 20
Paris Hilton not implicated.
2.
Georgia Shooting Suspect Returns to Court
The fool.
3.
Utah Man Pleads Guilty to Murdering Wife
Anxious neighbors wonder which one.
4.
Rudolph's Manifesto Has Clinics on Edge
History has little to offer by way of feel good manifestos.
5.
Judges: Feds Can Put Feeding Tube in Cuban
Any Cuban they want.
6.
Brookstone to Be Acquired by Consortium
Consortium plans to use gadgets to RULE THE WORLD!!!
7.
Australian police seize world record five million ecstasy pills
This year's Christmas party looks to be a doozy.
8.
Injured Davenport Pulls Out of Match
Chaise comes out of retirement to fill in.
9.
Researchers Focus On Deep-Brain Stimulation for Parkinson's
First clinical trials of so-called 'mind fuck' to start next year.

Gary Seven

1. Intel Sees Mobile Broadband Starting in 2006
AT-ATs understandably nervous about prospect network of mobile cables.

2. Republicans to Go on Offensive Over Judges
If implying zealots should shoot the judges isn't already considered "going on the offensive"

3. U.S. Has Freed Foreign Murderers Under Loophole
And domestic murderers Plastic-Man and The Schmoo THROUGH loophole.

4. Rice Plays Down Iran Nuclear Threat
"The smoking gun being a mushroom cloud wouldn't really big all that big of a deal."

5. Rare baby aye-aye hand-reared in British zoo
This one, like all others of his kind, will be highly sought after in the shipping industry.

6. Wild pigs run amok in Bulgarian town
Double-faced citizenry forced to climb atop pommel-horses and uneven bars to escape.

7. Fiery Terror in Baghdad
Occupation has awakened a Balrog.

The Falling Behind Nine

1. U.N. Pick Called Bully Who Abused His Power
Ended Up Getting Appointed by Him to Be Representative to UN

2. It's the Wilderness Years for Militias
And until the cost of metropolitan shacks go down, it's likely to stay that way.

3. California's history of highway innovation
Began with routing of cloverleaf around cement-plated rabbit hole

4. U.S. Indicts 3 Suspected Terrorist Scouts
The Statesman develops true Washington connections

5. Budget plan is in the chips
Also floating in the beer and broadcast at the end of "The Simple Life." US Dept of Revenue Attempting New Method of Educating Public on Where Tax Dollars Go

6. Japan Approves Drilling in Disputed Sea
Plan to access area via Bickering Straight with boats built on nearby Hosst Isle

7. Ratzinger Said Gaining Papal Elector Favor
Surpassing Ratzenberger, who apparently lied extensively on his resume

8. Deadly Flu Strain Shipped Worldwide
Thanks a lot, Brown

9. Jackson aide promised rewards, says boy's stepdad
Signed him up for Capital One card

Unresistable - Six Licks

1.
Senate Panel Grills Bolton Over Record
19 albums. No original songs. What the hell?
2.
Pentagon to Use Lasers to Warn Pilots
Neglected to consider effect of cool sunglasses. Doomed to fail.
3.
Disgraced Cardinal Leads Mass for Pope
Catholic church turns to Mark MacGuire to broaden appeal.
4.
Budget Gap Threatens Chicago Transit
Tooth gap threatens British Lit.
5.
AOL to Launch Into Space
Hopefully treated like the villains in Superman and Superman 2
6.
Exercise Isn't Always Enough to Lower Blood Pressure
Sitting on your ass never is.

5 More

1.
Six Wounded in Florida Family Feud
Survey says! Counseling. Number one answer.
2.
Truck Driver to Be Retried for Conspiracy
Conspiring to transport liquor across Alabama.
3.
Greek Orthodox Church Head Iakovos Dies
Balky Bartokomos to fill in, expect services to be much lighter.
4.
Bolton Pledges to Help Strengthen U.N.
When a man loves the UN, he can't keep his mind on nothin' else.
5.
Engineers Redesign Roads to Save Moose
Cars travel much slower in 4ft of water.

Nueve Enough Headlines

(one of those rare times when I got all headlines from the ones available on my Yahoo! home page-world news, us news, LA times, local news, college bb from last 1 minute only)

1. Israel to Disarm Settlers in West Bank
Disassing Generally Considered More Effective on Settlers

2. India, China Agree to Form Partnership
New Country, to Contain 3/4 of Worlds Citizens, Nostalically Names itself "Indochina," After Particularly Rousing Game of RISK.

3. Law Celebrates Mass Despite Protests
Vatican Rebel Priest News: Protesters Celebrate Despite Mass Law
Iran Big Brother News: Masses Protest Despite Celebration Law
Boston Gay Marriage News: Mass. Celebrates Law, Despite Protests

4. National Alert Issued for S.C. Ex-Convict
"PC" Term for "Escapee"

5. Trade Groups Join Bush on Social Security
Closer Inspection Reveals Them to be None Other Than Goofy, Japanese-Accented Leaders of Trade Federation from "Phantom Menace"

6. A Rift Among History's Voiceless
Michelin Man, Woodstock Not On Speaking Terms

7. NBA could beckon for Tar Heels stars
TV Analysts Begin Lengthy Discourse Over Whether Williams Has Coaching Ability to Rebuild Program to Level of 2004-2005

8. Inside Dish: Williams hits recruiting road
Road Leads to Ticketmaster, Where He Buys Front Row Seats for McDonald's All American Game

9. Pearl's wisdom should help him in a new oyster
Rueters Now Getting Metaphor Advice From Unknown Bachman's Executive.