9 luft balloons

1. Holder Seen as Obama Choice for Justice Post
Beholder considered for job guarding federal reserve.
2. Al-Qaida No. 2 insults Obama with racial epithet
Besmirching otherwise winning personality with bigotry.
3. Saudi owners 'talking to pirates'
Confusing meaning of International Talk LIKE a Pirate Day.
4. NASA tests "deep space Internet"
Secretly searching for holy grail of alien pornography.
5. Scientists find new penguin, extinct for 500 years
Begs to differ.
6. Bush reopens renovated American history museum
Features images of Ronald Reagan crossing the Delaware, inventing the light bulb.
7. Our Ancestors Had Floppy, Flexible Feet
Had very homoerotic interactions, particularly when fishing and on grueling expeditions.
8. Broad drilling ban to stand
Mugs and palookas will need to seek sexual gratification elsewhere.
9. Robots May Come to Aging Boomers' Rescue
May enslave them.

8 1/2

1. Somali pirates seize supertanker loaded with crude
Mostly back issues of Hustler.
or
Revealing Water World to be eerily prescient.

2. French 'virgin' ruling reversed
Based on implausibility of French virgin.
3. Forecasters: tough road ahead for the economy
Weather forecasters, just catching up.
4. W. Virginia town shrugs at poorest health ranking
Barely lifting shoulders at all in an effort to conserve precious energy.
5. Copy of famed Lincoln letter turns up in Dallas
On grassy knoll, riddled with bullets.
6. City dwellers learn ropes of rural life
Hilarity ensues.
7. Libya's Gaddafi speaks to Bush
Confirming spelling of name.
8. Wide-hipped fossil changes picture of Homo erectus
Explains why he was so erectus.