8 deadly sins

1.
Pope Said Conscious, in Grave Condition
Weakened condition leaves him incapable of fighting Illuminati bent on burying him alive.
2.
Iraqis Urged to Join Security Forces
Might have better luck urging the insurgents to be nice.
3.
Viewer's Guide to Hybrid Solar Eclipse April 8
Only Jawas, Tusken Raiders and itinerant moisture farmers will be able to see it.
4.
Gunmen Kill at Least 27 in Brazil Attacks
Brazilians finally realize bridge to North Africa was a bad idea.
5.
Rain Delays BellSouth Classic Again
Exasperated golf writer adds both italics and bold lettering to AGAIN.
6.
Mammal Ate Termites Before Anyone Else Did -Study
Just like the kid in elementary school who would eat anything, somebody has to be first.
7.
Gas pipeline blown up in southwest Pakistan, no disruption
Pipeline was actually a 2 dimensional prop used to foil insurgents.
8.
Faithful In Boston Pray For Pontiff
Unfaithful have unprotected sex with pope impersonators who are not their husbands.

Dan's New 8

1. Kazakh Leader Denounces Kyrgyz Uprising
Insolence of rebels makes Mer-Man president so mad his gills turn red.

2. Group: Reactor Can Make Nuke Bomb by 2007
Proactor can do it by 2006.

3. Long Lines Prevail in Zimbabwe Elections
Everyone who went to Olive Garden last Friday night will be sworn in next Tuesday.

4. 1 Killed in Blast at S.C. Duct-Tape Plant
Dozens saved due to preponderence of makeshift tourniquets, bandages.

5. Thief Steals Poop From Woman Walking Dog
Only clues left were discarded shrimp tails & ISU men's basketball ticket stubs

6. Viacom Names Kramer to Run CBS Web Sites
Hilarity ensues.

7. Virgin says space flight plan complete, airline expansion planned
Head of NASA really wishes they would write headline as "NASA Chief says space flight plan complete, airline expansion planned"

8. Atypical Antipsychotic Drugs Don't Raise Heart Risk
The ones that are so atypical they are actually PEZ.