8 deadly sins

1.
Pope Said Conscious, in Grave Condition
Weakened condition leaves him incapable of fighting Illuminati bent on burying him alive.
2.
Iraqis Urged to Join Security Forces
Might have better luck urging the insurgents to be nice.
3.
Viewer's Guide to Hybrid Solar Eclipse April 8
Only Jawas, Tusken Raiders and itinerant moisture farmers will be able to see it.
4.
Gunmen Kill at Least 27 in Brazil Attacks
Brazilians finally realize bridge to North Africa was a bad idea.
5.
Rain Delays BellSouth Classic Again
Exasperated golf writer adds both italics and bold lettering to AGAIN.
6.
Mammal Ate Termites Before Anyone Else Did -Study
Just like the kid in elementary school who would eat anything, somebody has to be first.
7.
Gas pipeline blown up in southwest Pakistan, no disruption
Pipeline was actually a 2 dimensional prop used to foil insurgents.
8.
Faithful In Boston Pray For Pontiff
Unfaithful have unprotected sex with pope impersonators who are not their husbands.