Dan's New 8

1. Kazakh Leader Denounces Kyrgyz Uprising
Insolence of rebels makes Mer-Man president so mad his gills turn red.

2. Group: Reactor Can Make Nuke Bomb by 2007
Proactor can do it by 2006.

3. Long Lines Prevail in Zimbabwe Elections
Everyone who went to Olive Garden last Friday night will be sworn in next Tuesday.

4. 1 Killed in Blast at S.C. Duct-Tape Plant
Dozens saved due to preponderence of makeshift tourniquets, bandages.

5. Thief Steals Poop From Woman Walking Dog
Only clues left were discarded shrimp tails & ISU men's basketball ticket stubs

6. Viacom Names Kramer to Run CBS Web Sites
Hilarity ensues.

7. Virgin says space flight plan complete, airline expansion planned
Head of NASA really wishes they would write headline as "NASA Chief says space flight plan complete, airline expansion planned"

8. Atypical Antipsychotic Drugs Don't Raise Heart Risk
The ones that are so atypical they are actually PEZ.