OchoOpolis

1. Jefferson Airplane drummer Spencer Dryden dies
Of bites from shark who got mad at 30 years of being jumped over

2. Actor who played 'Temple of Doom' villain dies
Of injuries sustained after very badly blue-screened image of himself lands in croc-infested waters

3. Baseball adopting tougher substance policy
Hopefully, this tougher substance will be used to construct players to replace those currently in their fragile, DL-ridden ranks

4. Black Hawk Crash in Colombia Kills 20
Crash in Black Hawk County Destroys Iroc-Z

5. Iraq Car Bombings Up Under Interim Gov't
Curiously, US Military Humvees were not blown up prior to occupation

6. Rebranding Physics = Making Einstein Youth Friendly
Making physics "cool." Let's hope it works for science like it did for religion.

7. Comet-Crasher Will Probe Solar System's Origin
Hopefully will not run into probe designed to sterilize soil samples.

8. New AIDS Campaign Uses Animated Characters
Hoping to capitalize on previous PSA successes of "Lion Thing" and "Jimney Ricket"