She's Only Seventeen

1. Athens Bus Hijackers Seek Flight to Russia
Tired of their hijackings lasting six weeks

2. 20 Soldiers, 6 Rebels Die in Nepal Fighting
Battle quickly swung when rebels unleashed Yeti berserkers

3. FCC to Allow Wireless Access on Planes
Wireless Access to Cockpit Controls. Planes suddenly going from 21,000 ft to 10,000 ft back up to 18,000 ft like a bunch of assholes.

4. College Basketball Schedule
A quick look at Georgetown's schedule reveals annual array of Division II cupcakes

5. Vikings: Winfield doubtful
Paul Winfield. Long overdue mystery explained. Creatures in ears rendering Vikings defense susceptible to Khan's instructions to suck.

6. Lions: McMahon may get start
Squad figures bringing "shufflin' crew" out of retirement actually boosts odds of getting into playoffs.

7. Celebrated Hawks to Return to NYC Home
Feast on slow, bread crumb-fattened pigeons

8. LAPD Plan to Curb Flashlight Beatings
Issue LED headlamps

9. TimeWarner Settles AOL Fraud for $210 Mln
No wonder they were #1

10. Airbus Forecasts Soaring Demand for Jets
Especially among former bus hijackers, for whom it's the best of both worlds

11. Almighty dollar not so mighty anymore
George Washington's formerly powerful boner now sad, flaccid

12. Dollar Back on the Defensive
George Washington weilds lethal swollen nuts like a bolos

13. Sara Lee Raising Retail Coffee Prices
This will come as sad news, should anyone ever buy Sara Lee Retail Coffee

14. Ex-Soldiers Take Over Aristide's Home
Fill closets with fatigues, shelves with DVDs of "Uncommon Valor," "Commando"

15. Indonesia May Prosecute Newmont Mining
Similar to story last year of most dangerous job in the world: Newport Mining

16. Retailers and Big Tobacco assail Ont. government over tough new smoking ban
Big Tobacco steps over Lake Huron, crushes Sault Ste Marie and Thunder Bay under enormous leafy feet, then has to sit down and catch his breath for awhile

17. 'San Andreas' Hijacks Gaming Awards
Slides ceremony suddenly from Ingewood to Simi Valley