Skeighting away on the thin ice of a new day

1.
Ukraine Court Orders New Run-Off Election
The opposition candidate, a former triathlete, looks forward to next phase of campaign.
2.
Army Makes Training Base Feel Like Iraq
Encourages local punk kids to attack at random.
3.
Supreme Court Annuls Tainted Ukrainian Vote
Soft Cell emerges from retirement to record protest song.
4.
U.S. Study Says Sage Grouse Not Endangered
Grouse, winded and missing some feathers after fleeing from coyotes, says otherwise.
5.
UN Talks to Review Where 'Dangerous' Warming Starts
Plans to microwave cups of day-old coffee for increasing lengths of time.
6.
Dark, Leafy Greens Help Shield Eyes from Cataracts
Shield light from sun, ugly neighbor who likes sunbathing nude.
7.
Stolen Baby Jesus Recovered
Mary and Joseph will be relieved.
8.
School, T Face Off Over Saturday Classes
Pities the fool who infringes on his weekend.