Nine, Ten, a Big Fat Hen

1. Campuses May Bar Military Recruiters -
What we really need: more recruiters for the non-college bound.

2. City's native son to get new readers
Native father to perform eyeball-extracting ritual on unfortunate wayward explorer.

3. Roy out 4-6 weeks with knee injury
Doesn't recall how he got injury, but invites old & new friends to come & party with him in hospital.

4. Raiders' prospects mile-high after their comeback victory
If they win next game 87-0, they will have scored as many points as their opponents this year.

5. Iraq Oil Infrastructure Losing Billions
And leaving office workers, roadways a gooey black mess.

6. Rowhani: Iran Has Not Abandoned Enrichment
Suddenly rips off mask to reveal none other than Kim Jong Il

7. Injured McNair Thinking of NFL Future
Not praticing, playing gives him opportunity to envision players with rocket boots avoiding hordes of robot defensemen.

8. UN Panel Proposes New Criteria for Using Force
It's OK if you want to push away battle droids or fix a glass of juice without getting up, but mind-control is right out.

9. Sophisticated Radar System Protects Bush
Triple-Pi Sorority Invests in Long Overdue Technology

10. Improved Screening Prompts Jump in Chlamydia Cases
They need to start wiping off the examination table in between patients.