Crazy eights

1.
Clinton Unveils His 'Gift to the Future'
Begins speech with the phrase, 'excuse me while I whip this out.'
2.
For Gay Marriage Ruling, Quiet Anniversary
Unless you live next door.
3.
Sake-soaked Japan set for record flow of Beaujolais Nouveau
Dan Hylton present for opening of new wine season.
4.
U.S. May Have Found Fallujah Militant Base
Blew up the peaceful people of Alderan anyway despite lack of weapons.
5.
QB Peyton Manning Set to Shatter Records
Militant fan of Apple's IPod.
6.
Google Introduces New Research Tool
Develops less subject Field of 64.
7.
Electronic Eye Devised to Help Blind Cross Roads
Still no help for chickens.
8.
Sweden Readies for Space Rocket Launch
Sending ABBA into space at last.