Never too eight

1.
Surprising Second Black Hole Found in Milky Way's Center
Filled with nougaty goodness.
2.
Pentagon to Cut Off Boy Scouts From Bases
Too many accidentally sent to Iraq.
3.
Man Gets Life in Ore. for Killing Family
Talk about soft on crime.
4.
FAA Probes Crash That Killed 5 in Texas
Was part of new capital punishment pilot program.
5.
Clinton Library Features Impeachment Area
Special guests allowed behind the velvet rope.
6.
Usher Sweeps American Music Awards
Custodial workers on strike.
7.
Melting Swiss Glaciers Threaten Alps - Scientist
Alps unconcerned. Valleys should watch their ass.
8.
Peru Seizes Cocaine Haul Hidden in Giant Squid
The elusive giant squid revealed at last. Sperm whale motives questioned. "Beaks my ass," says one familiar with the case.