The Dan HylTen

1. Specter Faces Debate Over Judiciary Panel
Ghostly, disembodied heads go at it in the dark, echoey recesses of our nation's hallowed courts.

2. Authorities Seek Cause of O.D.B.'s Death
Too much O.C.B.

3. Stocks to Open Higher to Continue Trend
Wall Street figures out easy way to improve economy: Simply "open higher" each day.

4. Administration Calm Despite Dollar's Woes
Also calm depite woes of Iraqis, veterans, lower-class, middle-class, factory workers, service workers, tech workers, farmers, US Military, White House domestic crew, women, blacks, Europe, and all non-human biological life on Earth.

5. Titanic Founder Fears for Future of Great Wreck
Concern over scuba divers further destroying already damaged craft. "You know," he muses, "this was really one shitty boat."

6. Egypt Hopes to Solve Riddle of Tutankhamun Death
Examining curious set of fingernail scratches on inside of saracophogus.

7. Drinking During Pregnancy Can Lower Baby's IQ
Outlook was not good for those kids to begin with.

8. Peterson Trial's Conclusion Leaves Void
With no one else having been murdered in this country for the last three years, press confused, unsure what to do.

9. Ads Back Schwarzenegger for President
Incredible rise to governorship in CA and possible Presidential bid; is it for real, or just another of Quaid's trips to the folks at Total Recall?

10. Sun to Give Out Operating System for Free
Solar system rejoices at latest announcement regarding their future warmth, heat.