Ocean's 11

1. Gonzales to Succeed Ashcroft, Sources Say
Appointee known for expediting the judicial process wherever he goes.

2. Arctic Thaw May Open Ship Lanes, But Risks High
Countless 17th century explorers reveling in graves as announcement made that Northwest Passage now open. Celebration stops as it is announced West Indies soon to be under water.

3. Dolphins Sorry Wannstedt Stepping Down
Headline writer wondering what happened to the comma he originally had after second word

4. Majority Leader Faces Balancing Act in Senate
Frist, who looks freakishly like carnival barker, has now graduated to high-wire.

5. In Vegas, an Unholy Alliance
Trashcan Man and the Walkin' Dude

6. Ashcroft, Commerce Chief Evans Resign From Cabinet
Muffled voice from within says "We quit and we're never coming out!"

7. Courses touch on health careers
Na-tional-Am-er-ican Uni-ver-sity! Da dah!

8. Titans: McNair still a question mark
Coach Fisher dreads upcoming match vs. Bears while simultaneously wondering how the hell badly worded the wish was in his QB's genie encounter.

9. Sudan, Rebels to Sign Partial Peace Pact
You stop tramping around all over our crops and we'll consider buying you some houses.

10. Cox, Showalter Voted Managers of the Year
Theoretically no limit to this partnership

11. Vitamin E May Do More Harm Than Good, Study Finds
Warns to avoid practice of consuming "all you can get your hands on" to ward off shcnitzengruben effects.