The 7 Samurai

1. Taiwan establishes diplomatic ties with Vanuatu
Sends loincloth-wearing envoys to omniscent red-glowing-eyed snake-god, bearing staw baskets of fruits, meats

2. Scientists Close in on Source of Cosmic Rays
The fingers of Billy Preston

3. Mars Rovers Get Mystery Power Boost
That just happens to be laying around. Crazy two-dimensional vehicles still can't go backwards or float.

4. Karzai to Crack Down on Warlords, Drugs
Afghan PM forcing fellow countrymen to douse joints, play "Dodge 'Em"

5. Sun Finalizes Accounting for Settlement
Order to pay $1 trillion settlement to victims of skin cancer

6. Speculation Swirls Around Top Justice Job
Most advocate long-time favorite, but increasingly vocal minority insists there's theoretically no limit to Green Lantern's powers.

7. New Congress to Look More Like Real America
Fat Guys Added in 7 States