The Ill-Got Ten

1. Americans a Bit Taller, Much Heavier, Report Says
Uses "A Leave it to Beaver Reunion" made-for TV movie to illustrate.

2. New Home Sales Soar, Durable Goods Rise
People buying Rubbermaid containers to transport stuff to new homes

3. Bush Defends Self on Missing Explosives, Rips Kerry
Makes scandal worse by defending self WITH missing explosives

4. European Tour Investigating Ballesteros
Hairy, hanging low as expected

5. Locked-out Gomez signs to play for a pittance in Alaska
Uncertain where he will find money to pay for mansion mortgage, Lurch's salary.

6. Protesters to Weld Shut Entrance to Brazil Nuclear HQ
Mistakenly Weld Shut Entrance to DQ, thus fulfilling lifelong dream of 16-year old slack-jawed worker inside.

7. C-Section More Likely with Obesity, Diabetes
Unfortunately, A-Section and B-Section are not equipped with seating to accomodate your--ahem--carriage...

8. Impact of Domestic Violence on Kids Can Be Reduced
With boxing gloves

9. Cruise Ship Care for Elderly? Why Not, Say Experts
"Retired people will never want to vacation on cruise ships," say naysayers.

10. It's The Boss vs The Terminator in US election showdown
Whose biceps bigger? Mixdorf cannot say.