Nein!

1. Hendrick Motorsports Plane Crash Kills 10
Grieving Widows Never Imagined They'd Lose Their Loved Ones in a Firey Crash

2. Strangers' Organ Donations Concern MDs
For it was the Perfect Strangers, who (as everybody knows) Have Been Regularly Engaged in Unprotected Anal Sex Since Early 80s.

3. Sacramento releases Liu, two more
Diaz, Barrymore

4. Former Washington Archbishop Hickey Dies
It was said that Bishop Hickey was an Inspiration to Priests Througout Northeastern US

5. FBI: Search of Alleged Mob Graveyard Ends
All they found was a lot of disturbed graves and a red leather jacket with a shitload of zippers

6. Study: Charity Donations Rise in 2003
Undoing destruction of Bush administration ain't cheap

7. Clues Reinforce Election-Terror Concerns
Candlestick, lead pipe found outside local precint.

8. Police Probe Possible Sniper Shootings
Crazy 7-foot monkey sniper destroys probe with blaster shot off backside

9. Russian Fashion Week Opens with Vitali Azarov
Looks like babushka scarves & rubber boots for old ladies, big-assed furry hats for men are in once again