First Tenner

1. Club Says Zeta-Jones Should Be Flattered
Club Says Zeta-Jones Will Be Flattened

2. Street Sees Slower Biz for Showbiz
Billy Bob & the boys just not packing em in like they used to.

3. Cast tunes up for 'Good Vibrations'
Yet another day on the set for "Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts"

4. Spider Nation
1978, Starring William Shatner.

5. Singer Papa Wemba Admits Part in People Smuggling
Name change to $5 Papa Wemba: Bad Move

6. Clinton rises from the sick bay to anoint Kerry
Leaves an empty table with strange, overhead pedals and an ominous "bomp, bomp" sound.

7. Gwen Stefani's Surprise Stepkid
Gary Coleman!

8. Lenny Kravitz Plugs Porcelain
Makes strong bid to be first inductee into "Selling Out Hall of Fame"

9. Sarah Jessica Parker returns to Ohio birthplace; endorses Kerry
Sex in the City, however, still officially endorsing Clinton

10. Actor Ashton Kutcher stumps for Kerry-Edwards campaign in Iowa
To be invited to Florida in two weeks for "Dude, Where's My Vote?" investigation.