4teen

1. Ohio Finds Possible Double Votes, Counts
State decides to hire out recount. Unfortunately, they hire THE Count, and results won't be in for another 37 years, (after breaks for periodic laughing, thunder claps).

2. Suspect Animal Tested for Mad Cow
It's definitely angry, and it's definitely got horns. But they're still waiting for the scientist-guys to make a final determination.

3. Stocks Are Mixed on Poor Google Forecast
Cold weather in, miniskirts gone for the year

4. AOL Packaging New Security Features
No viruses able to get through prior to downloads timing out

5. Bus Stopped From Falling Off Bridge
Superman was flying faster than a speeding bullet and Apache Chief was saying "Enuk-Chuck" like mad, but it was Zan who got there first and made an ice-bridge.

6 . Amtrak Begins Random ID Checks on Trains
Ends practice immediately upon not finding anyone with driver's license

7. Rating Agencies Get a Credit Check
All, curiously, get A+++

8. Ex-Wal-Mart Exec Pleads Guilty to Kickback
When approached by group of employees wishing to unionize, alledgedly kicked leader in the back.

9. Afghan treasures found
Unforunately, guarded by enormous, jerkily moving ogre.

10. Annika Sorenstam Having a Vijay-Like Year
For some reason, has been introducing a lot of rap videos.

11. Arrival! SMART-1 Moon Probe Reaches Target
Last time they try launching from the parking lot at Kohl's.

12. FDA Official Defends 5 Drugs Questioned at Hearing
For they cannot speak with voices of their own

13. Birth Control Pills May Cut Risk of Knee Injuries
Makes women more likely to have intercourse, less likely to give blow jobs.

14. Too Few Elderly in Cancer Clinical Trials
At the end of them, anyway.