7

1.
Sources: Expos to Be Renamed Nationals
Barely beat out The Ronald Reagans.
2.
Report: Hunger Vexed 12M Families in 2003
Hocus pocus and poof - their food was gone.
3.
Prosecutor Dramatizes Child Porn Increase
Has sex with Cabbage Patch Kid right in front of the jury.
4.
Help Lines Hear Thanksgiving Horror Tales
Turkeys smarter and more vindictive than previously realized.
5.
Mall Survivor Prayed After Shooting Spree
Earlier that morning prayed while Pop Tart was toasting.
6.
Gates Signs Deal on Software for the Blind
Blind unwittingly getting unsold copies of Windows ME.
7.
Democrats Discuss How to Reset Agenda
Best bet is to turn it off, turn it back on again.