Black NineDay

1. Ukraine's Kuchma Calls for End to 'Revolution'
As random backwards tape loops, Yoko's incessant "Numboh nine"s drive him cowering into a heap.

2. Bush Seeks Funds for Abstinence Programs
'Big 10 Coaches' Wives' Calendar Printings Ain't Cheap

3. 3 Giants Create New Online Music Service
Unfortunately, it takes six men just to push the mouse around.

4. Exploding Cell Phones a Growing Problem
In report issued by American Association of Wil E Coyotes

5. Cell Phones Increasingly Attractive To Hackers
Leading criminal experts to believe that these hackers are most likely cyborgs, or otherwise robotic in nature.

6. Bush Issues Thanksgiving Proclamation
Thank God for Abortion and Faggots

7. Wind Industry Bids to Win Over Doubters
That failing, it will blow them over

8. NASA's Moon-Mars Initiative Harms Science: American Physical Society Report
The real motivation behind Bush's odd plan finally laid bare

9. Effectiveness of Antidepressant Unclear in Elderly
Seeming joy they get by being cantankerous giving researchers mixed messages