Bert BlyEleven

1. Rams: Martin signed as emergency quarterback
Martin cinches up wristbands and hops first plane from Kittrell to St. Louis.

2. Stabbing Occurs at D.C. Agency Building
Continued rendering of his favorite heroes with extra two sets of abdominal muscles finally drives fan over edge.

3. U.S. Students Behind in Math, Tests Show
However, since Americans are adding up the scores, we aren't sure exactly how far behind.

4. Judge: Prison Abuse Jury Pool Not Tainted
But way, way too small for it to keep turning out these "sequester babies"

5. Europe raises pressure on US to prop up dollar
Recommends limited edition re-printing of the George Washington Boner-Bill.

6. Rite Aid Shares Tumble
Kool-Aid Man Suspected

7. Bill Clinton Helps Launch Search Engine
Touts that you won't be using THIS one from your work comptuer...

8. Review: Sunglasses Player Not a Bargain
Particularly from the perspective of a reviewer who keeps crushing sunglasses in an attempt to play them on Discman.

9. NASA Seeks Methods to Repair Shuttles in Flight
Experimenting with giant, steel-jawed mutants.

10. Earliest Signs of Winemaking Found in China
Eariest Signs of Lovemaking Found In Apartment

11. Icelandic Tin Bath Could Give Earthquake Warnings
If bath fills with rubble, you just experienced an earthquake.