2 more

1. One Man's Junk Is Another's Marvel

Particularly in West High School gym locker rooms.

2. Howard Dean's Advice for John Kerry

No crazy hooting

Nine times a lady

Bush Rips Kerry on Iraq Following Debate
Like the guy that acts tough after the threat leaves the room.

Box Office Hopes Rest on 'Shark,' 'Ladder'
As did opening sequence ofcampy Batman movie.

Sports Doctor Given Suspended Sentence
What the.....

South Dakota Electoral Race Is Rerun Under a Shadow
And an eye wreathed in flame.

Love Canal Removed From Superfund List
Her improved hygiene has avoided the need for federal intervention.

Mount St. Helens a Volcanic 'Ring of Fire'
And it burns, burns, burns...

Mexico's 'Volcano of Fire' Spews Lava
Usually spews dirty sheets of rain.

Even One Puff of Smoke Damages DNA, Study Finds
Can cause some to bleed from the chest.

Prisoners Break Out in Song -- Literally
When they was slaves, they sang like birds.

9 Gol-Den-Rings

1. Hundreds Protest Near Kerry-Bush Debate
Sponsored by "Americans for Just Getting Along"

2. Attorneys in Right-To-Die Case Cite Pope
As a perfect example of someone who should be put out of his misery.

3. Graham Said to Plan Crusade in New York
Teddy Graham. Band of zealot animal cookies to spread sugary, cinamony goodness throughout the streets of the city that never sleeps.

4. Series of Fla. Hurricanes Delay Funerals
Soon-to-be-dead people still swirling in giant circles hundreds of feet in the air

5. U.S. Offers Internet Downloads of $50 Bill
According to email forwarded by my mom to everyone she knows

6. UNCTAD Urges Complete Africa Debt Write-Off
World praises large, brutish creature for his unexpected, compassionate plea.

7. Experts Predict Mount St. Helens Eruption
If statistical models by Seismologist Dr. Peter Brady can be believed, residents of Seattle & Portland can soon be expected to have mud splattered all over their skirts and textbooks.

8. Nobel Scientists' 'Natural Selection' Takes Decades
But we should expect these skinny, brainy fellows eventually lose out in competition with more aggressive, huskier members of their species.

9. Launch of New Space Station Crew Set
"Holy shit, guys, did we just forget the shuttle??"

10 Lords a Leaping

1.
Baghdad Car Bombs Kill 34 Children Receiving Sweets
Strangers suspected

(man it's tough to go for that joke)

2.
Houston Official Seeks Halt on Executions
Executioner suffering from repetitive stress disorder.

3.
Buffalo Fighting Rise in Street Violence
Calmly continue to chew cud, considering stampede.

4.
'Black Pinocchio' Tells of Dreams and Desperation
It's not his nose that grows when he lies.

5.
Pop icon Robbie Williams dreams of US supermodel Cindy
Even his dreams are unoriginal.

6.
Interior Ordered to Keep Indians Informed
Exterior keeping them in the dark.

7.
Acne-Like Rash Shows Cancer Drug Is Working
So says sweating, nervous head of pharmeceutical company

8.
Schwarzenegger Signs 'Foie Gras' Bill
Completely unable to fashion snappy one liner.

9.
Bear Ransacks Kitchen as Paralyzed Man Lies in Bed
Not actually paralyzed, just no longer capable of living up to reputation as bear chaser.

10.
Snake Shuts Theater Showing 'Anacondas'
Disgusted by stereotyping.

8 8 bo bate

1. British Iraq Hostage in New Video Plea to Blair
Tootie/Natalie have no pull with Islamic fundamentalists

2. HUD Secretary Comments on Fannie Mae
"Wooo weeee she's shore is purty!"

3. Private Rocket Unofficially Reaches Space
Pocket rocket unexpectedly breaches pants.

4. Federal Scientists Search for Lost H-Bomb
In desperate race against Trashcan Man.

5. Expedition Turns Up Life on Pseudo-Mars
"Did we say pseudo? We meant Ariz...I mean Mars. Mars."

6. Dolly Creator Applies for Cloning License
Little late for that.

7. Regular Stretching May Improve Sports Performance
Lack of stretching may lead to unexpected outbursts and wild backslapping.

8. Obesity on the rise in Portugal but so is extreme thinness: study
Overall mass of Portugal remains unchanged.

7 for the Dwarven Lords in their Mountain Homes

1. U.N. Says Afghan Elections 'On Track'
In path of speeding locomotive.

2. Mexican State Recruits Cats to Fight Rats
NCAA Division 5

3. Oil Falls from $50 as Crude Stocks Swell
Thanks to another errant, yet fortuituous shot from Jed Clampett.

4. Famed Dog Handler Sentenced to 21 Months
You just can't touch a dog like that

5. Seniors Take Up Tai Chi, Yoga Across U.S.
Reporter mistakes death for motionless far-eatern relaxation techniques

6. Taking On Sadr City in a Pickup Truck
If it's got a hemi, you may just stand a chance.

7. Haiti's hard existence made worse by Jeanne
Oh, you poor dears! Here, I brought you hooka-pipe cozies and sun-tea!

8 O'clock Tick Tock

Fox Orders Pilot Starring Barenaked Ladies
When Barenaked Ladies Attack likely to be disappointment for first time viewers.

Floridians Still in Shelters After Jeanne
Still working their way through hot-dishes left over from Labor Day picnics.

Researchers Digest Data From Calif. Quake
"You fools! Don't EAT it!"

Scientists Find Mount St. Helens Movement
"JESUS! What? Did a cow shit in here?"

Those Who Dodge Jury Duty Face Shaming
From Legend of Zelda novel by John Grisham.

Australia, India should jointly patrol Indian Ocean: think tank
Think ship.

Woods Unsure About Tee Time With Injury
Wrist injury: unable to look at watch

Older People Turn to Internet to Find Love
Send annoying chain emails.

A Courier 9

1. Yu-Gi-Oh, Waterloo church join forces
Battle-dragons, congregation similarly glassy-eyed

2. Judge dismisses lawsuit against Clayton County
Sheriff Little learns that if you go into another county and start pulling the doors off police cars, you go to jail. Period.

3. Chefs, high school students whip up sweet treats in kitchen
Fantasy world where kids have relationships with menial workers in their schools only a reality in TV shows like "Saved by the Bell"

4. Yields soar as harvest begins
Something would be seriously wrong if they didn't.

5. Enrollment up in Waterloo schools
Enrollment of students in the Marines by Seargant Whats-His-Name

6. West boys sweep MVC golf honors
Prospect Blvd. Offers up a New Generation of Weenies

7. Gun cabinet company discovers pens can pick some of its locks
Particularly, key-shaped pens

8. SE Iowa man convicted in stabbing death
Witnesses report suspect in getaway vehicle filled with "carload of himself"

9. Quarry Help WantedCoots Materials Company
Coots has managed to get up on one of the steel shelving units in back of the injection molder. He's swinging a broom handle around, keeping everyone at bay.

Nine Pin

1. Nasal drug to keep you from inhaling dinner
Capsule wedged in nostril doesn't leave room for chicken leg, green beens.

2. Group: Warlords to Hinder Afghan Election
Send multicolored balls to knock bricks out of election booths.

3. O'Brien to Take Over for Leno in 5 Years
Pat O'Brien Late Show Promises to be Sappy, Dreary Affair

4. New $50 Bill Begins Circulating
Authorities are thinking the little girl from "Firestarter" may be involved

5. 'Female Viagra' may enter market
Female Erection has Left Male Partners Stunned, Disturbed, Early Tests Reveal

6. New Palm System Targets Smart Phones
Placed on wrong palm; quickly rubbed to inoperation

7. Germany: A Brighter Sun In The East
Looking to pair with Japan, "try it again"

8. Bush Seeks $7.1B More for Hurricane Relief
Floridians thanking God they are a swing state.

9. Zero G Flights Could Bolster Space Tourism, Research Industries
Space Tourism has Been Languishing in an Era Where Space Flights are Offered With Aritficial Gravity, No Windows.

7 AM

'Star Wars, Episode III' rating in the dark
Star Wars nerds everywhere praying fervently for X.

Stocks Slip on Oil, Dow Falls Below 10,000
OSHA plans crack down on Wall Street accidents.

Bush, Kerry Pause to Trade Barbs on Iraq
Bush makes the tough decision to trade his mother.

DA Won't Prosecute Bishop Accused of Rape
Afraid bishop might work his magic with god.

Officials Aim for Terror-Free Elections
In Florida.

'Miraculous' Christ Washes Up in Texas Rio Grande
Despite being made of fiberglass and stamped 'Made in China', it has become an object of worship.

Life is a Gas: Methane Might Support Underground ET
Flatulent, pasty alien unlikely to reproduce.

10 Headlines (7 Central)

1. U.S. Soldiers Charged in Death of Iraqi
Only 11,526 trials to go.

2. An Agile Pilot Who Flew Under the Radar
What an asshole!

3. Dancing in Zelda's shoes
Unaware that Link is hot on your trail

4. DOWN TO BRASS TACKS, NUTS, BOLTS
The reality of Mighty Tom's killer robot when top of cardboard box torso is ripped off.

5. Turkey Parliament OKs EU-Oriented Reforms
"No mor Turkey diners" (with backwards "k" in "Turkey"

6. U.S. Spy Agency Turns Eyes on America
Maxwell Smart installed surveillance cameras backwards.

7. Kerry Warns Dairyland Voters of Bush Plan
Beer tax

8. Jeanne Damages NASA Shuttle Building
Accidently drops entire tray of "Just Peachy Peach Cobbler" on command console.

9. Engineers Use Hurricanes to Study Houses
Only good way to get a look at the underside.

10. Program Combines Archaeology, Oceanography
Hail Alantis!

7

Kevin Costner Weds at His Aspen Ranch
6 hour wedding includes bison stampede.

Customer Service with a Twist
Titty twist - customers not happy.

Fannie Mae in Deal to Hike Capital
Hiking britches.

Virgin to Launch Commercial Space Flights
Passengers hoping to find more 'willing' women in space.

Study: Living in the Suburbs Can Make You Sick
Also stupid.

Mars, Snickers Cut Down to Size
'Fun Size' no longer fun at all.

Overweight Kids Have Lower Self-Esteem
Higher appetites.

Sunday Morning 9

Hubble Lifts Fog on Early Universe
Still can't see through the fog emanating from T-Clogs bathroom.

White Supremacists Rally in Pa.
Bush/Cheney together in rare campaign appearance.

BMW Unveils World's Fastest Hydrogen-Powered Car
German success with hydrogen powered vehicles leads to skepticism.

Kerry Ad Labels Bush Politics 'Despicable'
Daffy Duck featured in ad.

Christians Use Gay Marriage to Seek Voters
Lure gays to meetings with hopes of gay marriage, feed them to lions. A twist on an old classic.

Engineers Use Hurricanes to Study Houses
Also study a phenomenon they call 'unplanned flight'.

Study: Fat Students Sap School Finances
That's nothing compared to what they do to a lunch buffet.

Doctors Hail Baby Born to Infertile Woman
Christians everywhere hail her as this week's virgin mary.

Genes Boost Fish Oils' Effect Against Breast Cancer
Particularly effective in fish.