Freight

Tiny Space Rocks Help Settle Astronomical Debate
Astrophysicists shouldn't be counted on to throw the runner out at home.

End to Snowmobile Ban in Parks Sought
Wolf population unhappy with efficiency of loping.

Garcia Shoots 65 to Lead European Masters
Really big check won't mean much in prison.

Pujols, Cardinals Power Past Padres
Vatican softball league never more competitive.

Smell Gene May Help People Hide from Mosquitoes
Even after a lifetime of cruel nicknames, still happy to lend netting and DEET.

Pet Reptiles Pose Salmonella Risk
If you eat your pet, it serves you right

'We started to walk six million years ago'
And Jesus we're tired.

Post-retirement boozing is bad for your brain!
Pre-retirement boozing makes you a better employee.

Headnines

1. Red-light runners to face 'photo cop'
And his trademark line "time to get negative"

2. Kobe gets another chance to prove he's worthy of his gifts
Like Chris Webber at the University of Michigan in 1988.

3. Israel-Syria in War of Words
Sharon considers unleashing the dreaded "F-bomb" on Damascus.

4. U.N. OKs Plan to Sway Lebanese Election
Jeb Bush called in to consult.

5. 2,500-Year-Old Hidden Tomb Found in Egypt
Under turnip. Super Mario sent to investigate.

6. Red Sox Take Control of AL Wild-Card Race
Put selves in ideal position for first round drubbing at the hands of the 1st-seeded Yankees.

7. Singh Could Have No. 1 on Horizon
Consuming prodigous amounts of coffee, Mountain Dew

8. Video Game Maker Acclaim Files for Bankruptcy
Nreeer-nreeer-nreeer-nreh nreh

9. Study: Atkins Diet May Bring Side Effects
Extreme Annoyance

Weight

AP: Chevron Influenced Schwarzenegger Plan
With that many Hummers, how could they not?

Fla. Highways Jammed Ahead of Frances
Jammed behind Mabel, an 80 something retiree from Boca.

Republicans Flip-Flop on Hollywood
With Ahnuld as their star, how could they not?

Six Apart Releases Movable Type 3.1
Gutenberg never prouder

Bush Glosses Over Complex Facts in Speech
As in life.

South Dakota Sues to Get T. Rex
Wish to be Bang a Gong State.

Massachusetts Teenager Dies of Equine Encephalitis
Not just 'hung like horse'.

Sneakers Keep Elderly on Sure Footing
No research into effects of black socks.

Baker's Dozen

(sorry, didn't realize how many I had--didn't want to delete)

1. Bryant Charge Dropped; Civil Suit Looms
Charge originally loomed after suit dropped.

3. Britney's Trash Sold on EBay
As well as Best Buy, Tower, and BMG

4. Cheney Calls Kerry Unfit
In between huffing and puffing while leaning on podium, clutching heart.

5. Group Aims to Perform 1M Baptisms in U.S.
Parnering with Hurricane Frances

6. Peter Jackson Says He Won't Ape Original King Kong
Asked to start by putting shirt back on

7. Scientists to Map Known Universe
Declare everything else as simply "Romulan Territory"

8. Dyslexia Not the Same in Every Culture
In the US, for example, the disorder results in a misreading of English words

10. Virtual Humans Proposed As Space Travelers
An aging Max Headroom called upon to undergo rigorous NASA training

11. Hair Stem Cells May Offer Baldness Treatments
Say goodbye to embarassing bald spots, say hello to a thick layer of gooey stem cells on top of your head.

12. Loud Music Can Cause Lung Collapse
Just ask that dickhead dad from the Twisted Sister video

Snivelling Seven

More Than a Million Told to Flee Hurricane
And fuck orderly and calm - just flee

Colombia Looks to Build Drug Crime Museum
Be sure to check out the gift shop

Baldwins Split Politically
Suck collectively

Red Sox Win 8th Straight, Pressure Yankees
Yankees buy Red Sox

Fire Beat Wizards 3-1 in MLS
Low hit points and failure to prepare with proper gear, potions dooms spellcasters

Surviving Bed Rest
The curse of a lazy society

Alarming Garden security breaches
No match for Ulla's Garden tight leather breeches

Pick up Six

Bush's First N.Y. Stop Will Be Firehouse
Wants to slide down pole

Flight From Chicago to N.Y. Diverted
Passengers entertained with choice of beverage, Skymall

HDTV 'Starter' Kit for PC Comes with Some Kinks
Career just not the same since Come Dancing.

Sperm Levels Drop with Frequent Ejaculation
'Canna give her any more captain, she's blown!'

First Lady Promotes Husband As Warrior
Her body doubles as coastal English village in Viking raid

Without crucial feature, what will new Windows do?
Not much.

Sevendusky

1. Car Explodes in Moscow, Reason Unclear-Agencies
Car Explodes after going over ramp in "A-Team." Reason similarly unclear.

2. Comet Research Pioneer Whipple Dies
Charmin suit ultimately unable to protect him against damaging effects of hurtling asteroids

3. Alaska Brown Bears Gather for Salmon Feast
Thanks to DNR gaffe that put them in charge of hatchery

4. Laos Defends Dam Project Against Environmental Critics
"You want an environmentally sound? Get your own dam project!"

5. Russia Names New Space Station Crew
Dr. Scorpio and Jaws. British Agents and CIA appropriately nervous.

6. Over 50 percent of Chinese men impotent and too shy to seek help: survey
World views Chinese population; asks men if word means what they think it means.

7. Health Tip: Vaccines Aren't Just for Kids
Also helpful for those afflicted with aging disease from "The Deadly Years."

Ate

Expedition 9 Crew Prepares for Final Spacewalk
Removing spacesuits for the last 'giant leap for mankind'

Generals May Pay a Price for Iraq Abuse
6 payments of $29.99

Muhammad's Double Jeopardy Claim Rejected
Not phrased in the form of a question

Top Officials Briefed on Pentagon Probe
Far more Iraqis debriefed and probed

Kidnappers Extend Deadline for French Hostages
Starting to like their accents, excellent bread

Philips Gets The Jump On Another New Promising Wireless Technology: NFC
West Coast offense very promising. Samsung promoting Iron Curtain

White House Expands Hunting, Fishing Lands
Includes most of national mall - anyone found there is 'game'

Study Finds Obesity Among New York City Children
Subway snarled, capacity reduced

Masturb 8

Republicans Salute Bush in Convention Opener
Democrats also salute Bush, use different salute

Fight Over Brain-Damaged Woman Heads to Court
Zombies don't care if it's damaged, just want brain.

Tyson cites mad cow effects, plant closings in lowering earnings guidance
May not box again

Alitalia unions called by management to attend strategy presentation
Not falling for that old trick.

Roeper Awaits Several Fall Movie Openings
What else would he be doing? - it's his damn job.

Jaguars Sever Ties with Hugh Douglas
Often sever jugular, and then just wait

Farmers' Almanac Predicts a Wild Winter
Most farmers' idea of wild just not that wild

The Genesis Payload: Just How Dangerous are its Contents?
Just ask Khan.

The Sixth Headline's Sixth Sheep's Sick

1. Bush declares 'beginning of the end for extremists'
Promptly shoots self in head

2. Proud Country Shows the World 'Great Things Greeks Can Do' -
Rest of the world: "Ewww!"

3. GOP Gays Find Allies
Party leaders use axes on allies

4. Man Said Decapitated During Ride in Ga.
Either that or headless rider, who reportedly wore lost waistcoat and hurled pumkins, was headless prior to going on ride. Reports vary.

5. Competency Hearing to Start in Smart Case
For starters, there was that incident when he originally karate chopped agent 72 and The Chief on the back of the neck. Then there was the time that he mistakenly gave locations of secret US nuclear institutions to an undercover KAOS agent. The list goes on and on.

6. List of Winners for the MTV Video Awards
Add up to about 900 points in scrabble through generous use of Js Ys & Zs.

I 8 NY

1. Attacks Halt Iraq's Southern Oil ExportAlbania's chief export, chrome, unhindered.

2. Kremlin Choice Wins in Chechnya Election
Typo on ballot leaves "Ida Know" as leader of the revolution

3. No Major Violence Reported at NYC Protests
All those in favor of violence INSIDE convention hall

4. We can't fix potholes for you, grant sanity to knuckleheads you meet on the road or keep you from missing your bus
But we can make a great tasting bacon hamburger for 99 cents

5. Looking at Warriors, seeing Cardinal
General asks power forward with puffy red face, receding hairline to replace battle helm.

6. Versatile forward Boykin picks Blue Devils
Along with every other versatile and/or talented forward, guard, or center

7. Garcia frustrated with lack of action
"Maybe tonight senior commandant will send ME out to stop the notorious El Zorro, eh?"

8. Scientists: Salmon Hatchery Policy Flawed
As they review series of events that resulted in entire facility being staffed by a bunch of Ursus Arctos

Seven swans a swimming

Streaking Astros Back in Playoff Race
Other teams forefeiting, unwilling to play with nude Astros

Survey: Terror Top Priority of Delegates
Particularly terrorizing black voters

Economists Back Fed View on Soft Patch
Latest cookies from Keebler are DELICIOUS!

Kurt Warner to Start for the Giants
Only by the will of God.

Pubic Lice
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Elderly Blindness Drug Impresses FDA Panel
Why the FDA wants to blind the elderly remains unknown.

Man Sentenced for Watching Porn in Car
Justice was satisfied.

7th Heaven

FBI's Pentagon Probe Burden for Rumsfeld
Poor poor Rummy.

Bush: Kerry's Vietnam Tour 'More Heroic'
Bill Clinton's Vietnam tour also more heroic.

AP: Former Leader Living in Mexico
Drunk on tequila

Rapids Play Earthquakes to 0-0 Tie
Slow acting effects of rapids would have won out in longer match

Microsoft Sets 2006 Target for Next Windows Version
Whether it works or not

Duke Welcomes Freshmen With New iPods
Another reason to hate them

Alaska Brown Bears Gather for Salmon Feast
Not surprisingly, LaBatt's will wash it all down.