The 7 Samurai

1. Taiwan establishes diplomatic ties with Vanuatu
Sends loincloth-wearing envoys to omniscent red-glowing-eyed snake-god, bearing staw baskets of fruits, meats

2. Scientists Close in on Source of Cosmic Rays
The fingers of Billy Preston

3. Mars Rovers Get Mystery Power Boost
That just happens to be laying around. Crazy two-dimensional vehicles still can't go backwards or float.

4. Karzai to Crack Down on Warlords, Drugs
Afghan PM forcing fellow countrymen to douse joints, play "Dodge 'Em"

5. Sun Finalizes Accounting for Settlement
Order to pay $1 trillion settlement to victims of skin cancer

6. Speculation Swirls Around Top Justice Job
Most advocate long-time favorite, but increasingly vocal minority insists there's theoretically no limit to Green Lantern's powers.

7. New Congress to Look More Like Real America
Fat Guys Added in 7 States

10 on the Upswing

1.
Scientists Close in on Source of Cosmic Rays
Still no explanation for popularity of Ray Romano.
2.
Digital Temblors: Computer Model Successfully Forecasts Earthquakes
If left unchecked, may one day cause them.
3.
Scientists Intrigued by Rare Dead Whale
Japanese, Norwegians not among them.
4.
Scientist Stephen Hawking Decries Iraq War
Been thinking about it for a while.
5.
Bush Outlines Agenda for Second Term
Will never provide greater details.
6.
Clinton Library Displays Glitz in Preview
Glitz? Whew! I thought you said something else.
7.
World Wants Changes from Bush to Open a New Era
Speaking for Bush, Cheney urges world to go fuck themselves.
8.
Computer Scientists Cautious of E-Voting
Where were you 6 months ago?
9.
Democrats Face Months of Soul Searching
Luckily for them their souls are still intact.
10.
1,000 women hospitalised in Portugal after backstreet abortions
Music careers in the toilet, it's come to this.

Sevenelection

1.
Presidential Election Handed Off to Voters
Like a flaming turd.
2.
Fla. Secretary of State Endures Skepticism
In fact, encourages it.
3.
U.S. Short at Least 500,000 Poll Workers
Despite huge supply of elderly.
4.
Cheneys vote in Wyoming
Fog of dread surrounds them, wilting flowers, spooking livestock.
5.
Networks Vow Not to Make Hasty Calls Tonight
Will content themselves with dramatic music, alarming graphics.
6.
In Exulting Bush Throngs, Just a Little Bit of Anxiety
Might just be the thongs.
7.
Doctors Give Edwards Their Seal of Excellent Health
Enjoy giving him proctological exam.

Another slice of seven

1.
Man Charged With Threatening Cheney
Cheney charged with threatening everybody else.
2.
Cardinal Hickey Mourned at D.C. Funeral
Not called Cardinal Hickey for nothing.
3.
Gartner Sees Shift to Bite-Sized Business Software
Considered calling it 'fun-sized'.
4.
Profanity in 'Doonesbury' Rankles Papers
Years of inanity apparently has not.
5.
Ads to build Detroit's image to start next year
To feature robotic police officer.
6.
Busts riding high
Inventor of push-up bra celebrated.
7.
Pedestrian brain-deadin freak crash
Dude!

Thank seven

1.
A Glance at South American Elections
A model of democracy, when compared with US elections.
2.
Jimmie Johnson Gets Emotional NASCAR Win
Mocked into retirement by fans calling him 'big baby'
3.
Pacers veteran Miller breaks hand
Scrawniness and old age finally take their toll.
4.
Bush Relishes Last Day of Campaigning
Looking forward to vacation opportunities.
5.
NASA Scientists Find Surface of Titan 'Very Alien'
The same scientists would find the surface of a woman very alien.
6.
U.S. Deploys Satellite Jamming System
All reggae network debuts.
7.
British Hospital to Screen Embryos for Colon Cancer
Despite lack of colons.

Stitch in Time Saves Nine

1. Peterson Prosecutors Prepare Closings
Begin with Grundy Center middle school, as always.

2. Viewers cry foul over animal ads
Coors drinkers, in a complete surprise, say they tire of being insulted by tired, contrived spots featuring beer-guzzling bears, football-playing horses, partying dogs.

3. The right man for the right job
The search for a man to taste-test Backpacker Pantry freeze-dried camp shrimp turns to Cedar Falls.

4. Keady begins farewell tour
Dismissing his reasoning, "to spend more time with my wife," experts predict suicide.

5. 'SNL' to Spoof Campaigns Past and Present
Hopefully to use casts of past

6. Mrs. Blair Bashes Bush on Cuba Detentions
Tony attempting a little criticism of Bush in desperate attempt to shake new nickname

7. Smugglers Caught with Falcon Cargo at Russian Base
Three stowaways, two robots, and a Wookie found under secret panel.

8. Politics, Gas Fuel Battle Over New Mexico Forest
"Baldy Mountain," long noted for a top barren of trees, soon to no longer stand out quite so much.

9. Farming Killer Cone Snails a Risky Affair
When the writers of Mad Libs need remedial English.