Heaven can eight

Russia focuses on female 'Chechen' passengers after twin plane crashes
High strength x-ray machine takes mind off tragedy.

Prisoners Take Boy Scout Oath Behind Bars
Group includes no arsonists

NYC Police Arrest 250 in Bicycle Protest
Protesters demand return of large front wheel, tiny back wheel

BMG Chief Davis Challenges Music Retailers
Continues to sell 13 cd's for 1 cent (+ shipping and handling)

Agassi Wants to Pull a Sampras in Flushing
Sampras' toilet known for eliminating amazing amounts of waste

Most Air Passengers Not Screened for Bomb
Luckily, most air passengers not carrying bombs

U.S. Study Links Human Activity to Global Warming
With no Bible reference in the bibliography, stands no chance of influencing policy

Anglers Have Big Impact on Fish Numbers -- Study
Not all anglers

Headlines

1 Russia blames terrorism for downed jet
Bush blames First Lady's dryness for sore pecker

2 Greenspan warns on baby boomer benefits
Greenspan warms on baby boomer women

3 Filipinos protest to seek work in Iraq
Less humidity! More opportunity due to restructuring!


4 Bush acknowledges Iraq 'miscalculation'
Innocent lives ARE worth a dime.

5 Pieces of metal prompt chicken recall
Robot chickens accused of rusting.

6 Controversy over Hamm's gold continues
Wild Turkey Federation and Pheasants Forever involved.

Six to Nine

Paris Hilton to Publish 198-Page Memoir
Like an issue of Cosmopolitan, will be 85% ads.

German Government to Auction Off Nazi Holiday Camp
Back in the old days had plenty of bonfires, used books and Jews rather than wood.

Peterson Testimony Turns to Computer Data
Stenographers finally switch to Word.

Artist Plans to Lynch Confederate Flag
Likes the subtlety of the irony.

Almost Half of Video Gamers Cutting TV Use --Study
Acknowledge only 24 hours in a day

McCain Furiously Courted by Kerry, Bush
Flattered, but taken

Tampa Radar Failed Before Charley Hit
High winds suspected

Astronauts Practice Survival Skills
Still no luck at surviving falls from 200,000 feet. Vow to keep trying.

ConAgra Recalls Chicken Breast Strips Across U.S.
Lick lips.

The Nikki Sixx

1. Yemeni Poet Says He Is al-Qaida Member
And doesn't even know it.

2. Growing metro area heads north
Developer invested heavily in home security systems designed by Prof. Fink

3. Pennington prefers to forget last time he saw Giants
Recent childhood fantasies get in the way of accurate throwing

4. Bush's Father Foresaw Costs of Iraq War
Subsequently invested in defense contractors

5. Asia Farmers Sucking Continent Dry
Before water returned to it's properly place by Apache Chief during spotty exibition of physics in 1979 episode of "Superfriends"

6. 'Super Earth' Discovered at Nearby Star
Closer inspection reveals angular, many faceted planet to me none other than Bizzaroworld.

Eight is Enough

Yemeni Poet Says He Is al-Qaida Member
In Haiku -
al-Qaida member I
restore the caliphate now
my blood for Allah

Fab Five Want to Go Out With Gold Medal
Former Michigan standouts waiting behind scenes, ready to snatch it.

Huge Clock in NYC Shows Cost of Iraq War
Keeps time like shit

Nevada Fire Burns 4 Homes, Changes Course
Continues to shuck and jive

Couche-Tard quarterly profit triples to $66.4M as revenues hit $2.5 B
Douche bag profits way down

Japan Won't Have U.S. Beef Anytime Soon
A slender arm in the back raises his hand - says willing to risk anything - for beef.

MTV Awards May Be Toned Down
Not even bothering to talk about videos

Cool Midwest Summer Creates Bigger Spiders
Ahhhhhhhghggggggggg!

Better eight than never

Jobless Claims Rise on Back of Hurricane
Flutter back to ground shortly therafter.

Russia Air Crash Flight Recorders May Not Help
Oddly filled with pop hits circa 1985, with a loud 'clunk' between each one.

Iraq's Sistani Arrives in Najaf; 45 Killed in Attacks
Cleric, well rested, digs deep into spell book

San Jose State Faces Difficult Task
Deciding between kegs or trashcan punch - opts for both

Report: Enterprises Go Outside for Security Help
In discussions with Klingons for cloaking device

Alien Catfish Species Found in N.J. Canal
All life is alien to New Jersey's canals

NASA Picks Swede Launch Site for Balloons
Bikini team critical to success of mission

Most Patients Happy With LASIK Outcomes
Others blind.

The Galileo Seven

1. Magnets May Not Really Work for Pain
That is, unless pain is cause by a spoonful of iron filaments in your eyes

2. Parents: Wis. Man Cleared in Camp Deaths
Invoked C.L.'s camp murder defense precedent: 'Put them out of their misery'

3. Seeking a Sleeping Giant
Where are you, Mighty Tom?????

4. They know the drill
They also know the router, and the circular saw. They are our fathers-in-law.

5. 2 Killed at Pro-Cleric March Near Najaf
Society for Creative Anachronism events really, really getting out of control

6. US Military, Spy Satellites Need More Coordination
Some might even suggest they be the same satellite

7. How NASA Will Bring Genesis Down to Earth
Mention of 'Genesis' a little in the covert barroom discussion, invites a little too much attention

Zeiben

NASA Engineers Free Robonaut with Wheels, Leg
Robonaut turns on engineers, calling them 'You fools.'

EPA: U.S. Waterways Contain Polluted Fish
Ghost of Charles Darwin makes TV spot supporting Republican claim of 'sublime evolution'

Exploded Star Detailed in New X-ray Image
Scrawny arms and overly large glasses clear in image of the actor who played Erkel.

Grapefruit Lowers Weight, Fights Cancer
Appears no bigger than an orange, has goal set for clementine.

Locusts Invade 'Passion of Christ' Town
God dusts off copy of Old Testament.

'A' Students May Get Free Doughnuts
The only thing better than a nerd is a fat nerd.

Malaysian Woman Goes for Scorpions Record
Completing second week of continuous listening to Rock You Like a Hurricane

Malaysian Woman Goes for Scorpions Record

Seven-shmeven redux

UPN Plans a Trio of Solid New Series
If they were on The WB, they would be "SOLID!"

Rain, Hail Hamper Search for Boy Scout
Struggles to start fires under the best circumstances. Prays that it rains gasoline.

Polish Cops Bust 100-Member Computer Piracy Gang
Eye patches, parrots gave them away

National Semiconductor to Sell Unit
Too boring to get any action

Reconstruction After Mastectomy Less Likely for Blacks
Always screwed by Reconstruction

Man on Quest for Knife-Proof Body Bleeds to Death
One of those rare cases where learning from your failures is no help.

Corpse to Be Buried After Fails to Rise
Lazarus won't be fooled again.

1. Domino Effect Feared From Closures of Emergency Rooms

Emergency Rooms Opened As Result of Pizza Pit Effect

2. Straw: Sudan Must Help Displaced People

Sudan: Fuck you! It's because of straw that these people's homes fell apart in the first place!

3. Jackson Judge OKs 39 Pieces of Evidence

Individual vertebrea of Elephant Man.

4. Grains Found in Ga. Traced to Asteroid

Unique strain of quadrotridechalea

5. FDA Asks Cubist to Pull Ads, Called Misleading

Or at the very least, disconcerting

6. Obesity Raises Risk for 9 Cancer Types

Flab cancer, gunt cancer, cancer of the extra chin, to name a few

Sixdorf

1. Dropouts invited back to school
School has new teacher it hopes will appeal to Vinnie Barbarino, Juan Epstein, and Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington

2. Trail Blazers star questioned as witness in barroom shootings
Witnessed another Trailblazer shooting gun at yet another Trailblazer, who was trying to sell him bad crack.

3. Norway Searches for Treasured Masterpieces
Plans to begin search in bellies of whales

4. Black to give Producers keynote
They are almost certainly talking about Quincy Jones

5. Pope Condemns Unethical Science, Cloning
Crazy old man unaware he has just been watching Star Wars Episodes I and II, rather than looking out the window

6. Explanation Sought for Lobster Decline
Distinct possibilities being considered by Maine lobster-fishermen, who catch 60+ million pounds a year, are that lobsters are either turning into rocks, or that distant relatives of lobsters from outer space are transporting them out of the galazy.