Tentacles

1.
Jobless Claims Plunge by 43,000
Number of bell ringers outside malls rockets up 43,000.
2.
Mother: Nightclub Gunman Had Schizophrenia
And a loaded 45.
3.
Huge Hawaii Waves Draw World-Class Surfers
Disappointed to learn it was the crowd at the Maui Invitational.
4.
Millions of Bees Spilled on Vegas Freeway
Dead bees.
5.
Navy SEALs Expanding Probe of Iraq Photos
Sneaking in under cover of dark to review classified files.
6.
Fla. Agency Knew of Girl Who Died in Motel
Cousin's former college roommate - so the story goes.
7.
Symantec to Buy Veritas for $13.5 Billion
Plans to prove that you can 'own' the truth.
8.
Don Johnson's Bankruptcy Woes Nearly Over
Career completely over.
9.
Scary Faces Have Subliminal Effects, Study Finds
Liminal ones too.
10.
Scientists to Help NASA Build Instruments
Band to feature quantum coronet, and space-time sax.

She's Only Seventeen

1. Athens Bus Hijackers Seek Flight to Russia
Tired of their hijackings lasting six weeks

2. 20 Soldiers, 6 Rebels Die in Nepal Fighting
Battle quickly swung when rebels unleashed Yeti berserkers

3. FCC to Allow Wireless Access on Planes
Wireless Access to Cockpit Controls. Planes suddenly going from 21,000 ft to 10,000 ft back up to 18,000 ft like a bunch of assholes.

4. College Basketball Schedule
A quick look at Georgetown's schedule reveals annual array of Division II cupcakes

5. Vikings: Winfield doubtful
Paul Winfield. Long overdue mystery explained. Creatures in ears rendering Vikings defense susceptible to Khan's instructions to suck.

6. Lions: McMahon may get start
Squad figures bringing "shufflin' crew" out of retirement actually boosts odds of getting into playoffs.

7. Celebrated Hawks to Return to NYC Home
Feast on slow, bread crumb-fattened pigeons

8. LAPD Plan to Curb Flashlight Beatings
Issue LED headlamps

9. TimeWarner Settles AOL Fraud for $210 Mln
No wonder they were #1

10. Airbus Forecasts Soaring Demand for Jets
Especially among former bus hijackers, for whom it's the best of both worlds

11. Almighty dollar not so mighty anymore
George Washington's formerly powerful boner now sad, flaccid

12. Dollar Back on the Defensive
George Washington weilds lethal swollen nuts like a bolos

13. Sara Lee Raising Retail Coffee Prices
This will come as sad news, should anyone ever buy Sara Lee Retail Coffee

14. Ex-Soldiers Take Over Aristide's Home
Fill closets with fatigues, shelves with DVDs of "Uncommon Valor," "Commando"

15. Indonesia May Prosecute Newmont Mining
Similar to story last year of most dangerous job in the world: Newport Mining

16. Retailers and Big Tobacco assail Ont. government over tough new smoking ban
Big Tobacco steps over Lake Huron, crushes Sault Ste Marie and Thunder Bay under enormous leafy feet, then has to sit down and catch his breath for awhile

17. 'San Andreas' Hijacks Gaming Awards
Slides ceremony suddenly from Ingewood to Simi Valley

Nineveh capital of Ur

1.
Campaigning Kicks Off Amid Iraq Insurgency
Campaign to build schools hospitals despite impending hurricane.
2.
L.A. Airport Beefs Up Jetliners' Security
Security especially tight on 'big ol' jet airliners'. But they vow to not get carried away.
3.
Ala. Judge Wears Ten Commandments on Robe
Robe stretched to the breaking point.
4.
Dumped Bag Shuts Seattle Ferry Station
Bag of dump set alight on neighbors porch.
5.
Israeli Official Urges Attention to Syria
In world's largest slight of hand.
6.

Expos' Move to Washington May Falter
Traffic is unfucking believable. Considering turning around.
7.
Conservatives Take on Christmas Cause
Urge only gold, frankincense and whatever myrrh is as presents.
8.
Montenegro MPs Oppose Plan to Flood Tara Gorge
Tara's got some hygiene issues but this is a bit extreme.
9.
Rare Whales Said Tangled Off Carolina Coast
Lashed opposing flippers together and had a good old fashioned knife fight.

Confiscate

1.
AOL Creates Its Own Browsing Software
Perfect for AOL herd mentality.
2.
Frankenstein
Turn-ons include general mayhem. Turn-offs include fire, pichforks.
3.
Americans Enticed by Digital Cameras
Relinquished their souls long ago.
4.
McCain's Steroids Push Puts Him in '08 Mix
Muscular candidates poll well wmong likely voters.
5.
ISS Crew Counts Calories as Food Supply Runs Low
Richard Simmons fills in as interim NASA head.
6.
Test Shows Who Needs Chemo for Cancer
Previously just grabbing random people off the street.
7.
Adult Traumas Can Harm Seniors' Health
Falls, blows to the head seen as particularly deleterious.
8.
Generic Drug Use Varies Greatly by State
Indiana reluctant to use generic drugs.