4 and I'm off

Death Stars: Sterilizing the Galactic Center
Help me Obi Dan - you're our only hope.

Cards Use 'Small Ball' to Beat Dodgers
Much more difficult to hit.

CITES Imposes Trade Controls on African Diet Plant
African Diet has worked wonders on Africans

Fort Worth approves drilling under parks
The rest of the US wishes they'd let the Mexicans have Texas.

Decameter

1. Object Prompts Miss. Airport Evacuation
Annoying young woman loves to run around telling everyone to leave airports.

2. Stern Vows He'll Rise Above FCC
ELO vows they'll rise above Peoria, IL amphitheater

3. Magic: Hill to play four positions
In effort to earn salary received over past four injury-riddled seasons.

4. Lions land first Class of 2009 basketball recruit
Mask ripped off head coach to reveal none other than Mike Krzyzewski

5. Hunter Indicted in Calif. Wildfire
Match inadvertantly dropped into dry, crackly remains of Fred Dryer's career

6. Pope Replaces Bishop in Porn Scandal
Feeble old man physically unable to close papal robes which had blown open in the wind.

7. EU Move Prompts Discussions About Turkey
African Union Move Prompts Discussions About Beef

8. Music Industry Group Launches Piracy Suits
Come complete with bandana, puffy pants, eye patch.

9. Mount St. Helens' Crater Floor Rising
"Is it just me, or is the earth....rising?"

10. Toy-Related Lead Poisoning Points to Hidden Danger
Large lumps of exposed lead in toys.

Ocho

1
NBC Adding Delay to NASCAR Telecasts
Also considering adding teeth, shirts with sleeves.
2
N.D. Officials Look for Keg of Chemical
The Christmas party won't be the same without it.
3
Bush Attacks Kerry in Fund-Raising Letter
Not being sent to Kerry.
4
Supreme Court Debates Pollution Cleanup
Clarence Thomas' latest trip to bathroom renders facilities unusable.
5
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month in Del.
Every month is Breast Awareness Month in Ind.
6
N.C. said to pay for wrong roads
Forgot where border was.
7
Buckner says he'll play Sunday
Red Sox say 'no thanks'
8
Outerbelt is route to education
Also holds up pants.

Diez

1.
U.S. Report: Iraq Didn't Have WMDs
Bush: "Inconceivable!"
2.
Rudolph Prosectuors Won't Use ATF Expert
FAA likely to be involved.
3.
Nursing Home Killing Shows Wider Problem
Confusion of killing with nursing
4.
U.S. Warplanes Target Iraq Roadside Bombs
Carpet bombing Iraqi roadsides - not good news for lemonade industry.
5.
Spain Drops U.S. Forces From Parade
US forces secretly happy - do enough mindless marching.
6.
Blair to Address Roots of Africa Problems
"All the white people left 2,000,000 years ago."
7.
Early T-Rex Relative Had Feathers -- Study
Not at all surprising in era of Glam-Rock
8.
BU Student To Launch Nude Magazine
Can't comprehend that no one wants to see him naked.
9.
Car crash prompts reminder
Don't run into shit.
10.
Man In Critical Condition After Moped Crash
The most serious injuries were to his pride.

10 Squared

1.
John Lennon's Killer Again Denied Parole
Considered let him out long enough to kill Yoko.
2.
Japan Stocks Seen in Narrow Range
Through narrow eyes.
3.
Welsh furious as Wales wiped off map
Unaware they were part of rhombus of terror
4.
Janjaweed Says Sudan Government Pays Them
Ganja, weed says Jamaicans smoke them.
5.
Exhibit Traces Impact of Isaac Newton
Lay on the floor and they'll pelt you with apples.
6.
Bulgaria Discovery Sheds Light on Ancient Thracians
Small wooden boards with wheels prove them to be thrashers
7.
Officer doused with liquid, suffers burns
First case of physical harm in jism baptism.
8.
Head Lice Provide Clue to Prehistoric Lives, Loves
Or lack thereof.
9.
AT&T looks into closing its Windows
Huge corporate bureaucracy getting out of hand.
10.
China's online game industry could grow seven-fold in two years
Only slightly faster than population

Standing 10 Count

1. U.S. Troops, Insurgents Clash in Ramadi
Boy Scout Troop, Insurance Salemen Clash in Ramada

2. White returns after a long trek
Lost some boats, pissed off some natives, bought some spices.

3. Indonesia President Megawati Admits Defeat
Godzilla has won the day.

4. U.N., World Court Agree to Cooperate
Pace of negotiations that would make Entmoot participants blush.

5. Dalai Lama: Religion Not Cause of Violence
People are.

6. Air Force Looks at New Microwave Weapon
When swung by the cord, it can be quite deadly

7. Patient-Doctor Sexual Relationship Examined
By millions of men in 6-page Penthouse pictorial

8. Birth Season, Schizophrenia Type Linked -- Study
High incidences amongst those born in Smarch.

9. PalmOne, Microsoft Join on Mobile E-Mail
Yahoo!, OnePalm to join in an even more comfortable relationship

10. Casio Combines LCD, Fingerprint Sensor
John Ashcroft establishing amateur keyboardist database.

7 and none

1. Britain's Straw Visits Iraq Amid Violence
Fears fire most.

2. Powell Says Brazil Not Developing Nukes
Although can't be sure since everyone else is doing it.

3. Senate May Be More Diverse After Election
Ewoks to gain seat for first time despite hopelessly primitive culture.

4. Denmark to Claim North Pole, Hopes to Strike Oil
Calling on Odin to stir Viking blood in ambitious colonial move.

5. Unexpected Beat in Heart of Milky Way
Huey Lewis.

6. Air Force Looks at New Microwave Weapon
Unpopped corn kernels.

7. Patient-Doctor Sexual Relationship Examined
In Dirty Doctor 7.

6 past Noon

1. How the toll system will work
Large troll to emerge from under bridge; stop, threaten motorists.

2. Poland's troops to leave Iraq next year
Attempting to leave now; have not figured vehicles they are sitting on are "Axis and Allies" game pieces.

3. Freddie Mac Shuts Bond Broker Business
Then gets hired by producer of animated feature to do voice over as jive-talking Dinosaur

4. Storm Death Toll Rises in Haiti
Storm Trooper Death Toll Rises on Hoth

5. Supreme Court Won't Hear Do Not Call Case
Alannis Morissette asked to pay attention & learn true meaning of "irony"

6. Professor gains 'rock star' fame
Goes on nationwide tour with monkey band using bamboo guitar & amplifier powered by coconut juice.

Nine Lives

Disabled Are Pleased With E-Voting
Would rather be able to walk/see.

Rocket Set to Launch Into Space Again
'Not again!' says rocket.

Office Depot Chairman, CEO Nelson Resigns
Could no longer inspire employees after showing in company basketball tournament.

Nintendo Raises Its Earnings Estimate
Discovers mushroom-shaped power-up in storage room.

Rice: Iraqi Nuclear Plans Unclear
Unlike her statements.

Atlantic Hurricanes Should Slow in Oct-Forecaster
Forecaster noticed this fact looking at last 100 years of data.

Deformed Fish Found Near Treatment Plants
Sadly, not the synopsis of tonight's Simpsons episode.

Armstrong Rides to Raise Cancer Awareness
Stretches to fight crime. What a guy!

Blue Jays Name John Gibbons Manager
Willing to play hardball.

Sunday Evening Nine

1. SpaceShipOne a Flight Away From $10M Prize
A mere $360M flight away, to be specific.

2. As Reservoirs Recede, Fears of a Water Shortage Rise
Shortsighted idiots peer anxiously over wall of dam.

3. Gadget speaks witnesses' language
Fedora pops off, extendo arm bearing Chinese-English dictionary emerges.

4. Teen runs to give voters a choice
Between one candidate that can legally hold office, and one that can't.

5. Ostertag out 4-6 weeks after breaking hand
Meathead without meathook.

6. Pope Beatifies Emperor, Nun, Three Others
More nervous shuffling amongst the ranks of high-ranking priests as a result of this latest madness by senile old man. Palpatine, Julie Andrews, Fat Boys left to consider new Sainthood.

7. UN transfers war crimes case to Serbian court: Del Ponte
Then tranfers illegal migrant worker case to Ecuadorian court: Del Monte

8. Two-thirds of Russian prisoners seriously ill: official
And at least four-fifths of them bear striking resemblence to Larry Mullen, Jr.

9. Iraqis Flee Fighting in Samarra by River Boats
Japanese humanitarian organization to supply "Flee Advisors"