Maybe not Magnificent - but 7

1.
Bush Starts New Term, Seeks End to Tyranny
Should have stopped with one term.
2.
New 50 Cent Song Sprays Rap Rivals
Urged to say it instead.
3.
Barge Carrying Petroleum Product Explodes
Vaseline makes mess of harbor.
4.
Fed's Yellen says inflation appears "contained"
CONTAINED!!
5.
Residents who fled North Vancouver mudslide return briefly to danger zone
Most return via the highway (to the dangerzone).
6.
Cheney's feet solidly planted in No. 2 spot
Linoleum on bathroom floor almost worn through.
7.
Rare Giant Pandas Boost Numbers by Almost Half
Barry White seems to have done the trick.

#7 limps across the line

1.
Rice Stands Firm in Senate Questioning
In an unforseen departure from the rules, bitch-slapped Barbara Boxer (D -CA)
2.
Schwarzenegger Denies Clemency to Killer
"I had to let him be slowly be tranquilized and eventually killed."
3.
Man Surrenders After Making Blast Threat
Surrenders to his weakening sphincter, releasing a cloud of toxic gas.
4.
Wrecked Barges Jam Gates on Ohio River
El Debarge, after a drunken night lamenting lost career.
5.
Ala. Judge Rejects Claim in Rudolph Case
"Glowing nose my ass."
6,
Yahoo Profit Nearly Quintuples
Texas Tea comes bubbling, again.
7.
Mast Defies Odds, Gets Another PGA Start
Bast hits odds dead on, stands angrily at locker.