1. Balancing robot may care for elderly
May use them as fuel.
2. Roaring Jets of Carbon Dioxide Solve Mars Mystery
Where the fuck did I leave those roaring jets of carbon dioxide?
3. NYC releases new 9/11 tapes
Poor quality of recording belies quality of the music.
4. NYC man pleads guilty in burning death
Death unharmed, but replacing black robes and scythe takes time, requires compensation.
5. Deputy PM denies calling Bush 'crap'
Maybe 'wanker' or 'bollocks' or 'poof-der'.
6. Paris Hilton seeking fame as singer
Tired of fame as slut.
7. Plan would add planets to solar system
Plan requires fusing asteroids together.
8. Mass. study shows some babies too fat
Some comedians think your mama's so fat...
9. Constipation
No good comes of it.
10. Stunning vistas a draw for Antarctica
Bitter cold, not so much.

Ten? Aw shucks.

1. Google to distribute discount coupons
If you thought free was cheap, you ain't seen nothing.
2. Dell recalls fire-risk laptop batteries
A real 'funny until you poke their eyes out' moment that was.
3. Discovery Hints at a Quadrillion Space Rocks Beyond Neptune
Someone had to count them all....he loves to turn you on.
4. X-rays won't detect liquid or gel bombs
Can see boobies.
5. Cuban TV airs first footage of Castro
Damn he was handsome then.
6. South African loses foot to shark
Shark loses foot to manta ray in game of Texas Hold 'em.
7. Prosecutors to monitor Madonna Act
After getting little satisfaction from Sister Act.
8. Nintendo hopes Wii spells wiinner
Having improved their grammar, good spelling is their next goal.
9. U.S. takes optimistic view of Lebanon
Those in charge take optimistic view of armageddon
10. U.S. gov't gets giant cross in San Diego
As big 'fuck you' to Buddhists and other non-Christians coming from the west.

Pantonine

1. President Bush Remains Bullish on Mideast Agenda
President Bush Remains on Bullshit Mideast Agenda

2. Britons React to Threat Level, Security Measures
Exclamations of "Bloody Hell" and "I say, old man!" reach 8-week high.

3. Erlandson Proposes Early Ed Plan
To move meeting site unnanounced, so by the time Early Ed figures out what's going on, he'll be there at the same time as everyone else.

4. UTEP hires Barbee as basketball coach (AP)
As per contract, university to provide pink, convertible Camero

5. Census Shows Growth of Immigrants
Of course, survey filled by recently naturalized Apache Chief dramatically skewing results.

6. Poor Sterilizing Blamed in China Deaths
Option 1: On second thought...
Option 2: Invesigation into agency responsible for mishap reveals...NOMAD!!!

7. Military’s Discharges for Being Gay Rose in ’05
Gay Rose, once again considering name change, curses mother & father not for first nor last time.

8. Martínez Is Hurt and Then Routed
Spanish Guy and American War

9. Fat Factors
Type of metrics run on last round of US Census.