1. Balancing robot may care for elderly
May use them as fuel.
2. Roaring Jets of Carbon Dioxide Solve Mars Mystery
Where the fuck did I leave those roaring jets of carbon dioxide?
3. NYC releases new 9/11 tapes
Poor quality of recording belies quality of the music.
4. NYC man pleads guilty in burning death
Death unharmed, but replacing black robes and scythe takes time, requires compensation.
5. Deputy PM denies calling Bush 'crap'
Maybe 'wanker' or 'bollocks' or 'poof-der'.
6. Paris Hilton seeking fame as singer
Tired of fame as slut.
7. Plan would add planets to solar system
Plan requires fusing asteroids together.
8. Mass. study shows some babies too fat
Some comedians think your mama's so fat...
9. Constipation
No good comes of it.
10. Stunning vistas a draw for Antarctica
Bitter cold, not so much.