Pantonine

1. President Bush Remains Bullish on Mideast Agenda
President Bush Remains on Bullshit Mideast Agenda

2. Britons React to Threat Level, Security Measures
Exclamations of "Bloody Hell" and "I say, old man!" reach 8-week high.

3. Erlandson Proposes Early Ed Plan
To move meeting site unnanounced, so by the time Early Ed figures out what's going on, he'll be there at the same time as everyone else.

4. UTEP hires Barbee as basketball coach (AP)
As per contract, university to provide pink, convertible Camero

5. Census Shows Growth of Immigrants
Of course, survey filled by recently naturalized Apache Chief dramatically skewing results.

6. Poor Sterilizing Blamed in China Deaths
Option 1: On second thought...
Option 2: Invesigation into agency responsible for mishap reveals...NOMAD!!!

7. Military’s Discharges for Being Gay Rose in ’05
Gay Rose, once again considering name change, curses mother & father not for first nor last time.

8. Martínez Is Hurt and Then Routed
Spanish Guy and American War

9. Fat Factors
Type of metrics run on last round of US Census.