BR8

1. Paulson urges 'bold' action
Secretary of Commerce Carlos Guiterrez plants open-mouth kiss on Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.

2. SA leader lashes out at critics
SCA leader lashes out at critics, with wooden halberd

3. Agreement With Iraq Over Troops Is at Risk
Or, more specifically, RISK. Iraq upset they are lumped in with rest of "Middle East"

4. War and Drought Threaten Afghan Food Supply
Kabul newspaper enjoying cost-savings of running same headline for last 2600 years.

5. We Are the Dog
And we are, frankly, a bit offended that you think we don't know, or care, about the frequency of your masturbation episodes.

6. Poll: Obama tops McCain as football-watching buddy
But not as much as he tops McCain as football playing buddy.

7. In Montana, coal enters governor's race
Immediately begins polling about 3% ahead of the republican

8. McCain, Palin change plans, tour Cedar Rapids
Leading to new questions about judgement

Practice Makes Seven

1. Bush says he's working hard on economic turmoil
Despite last minute slow motion screams of 'noooooooooooooo' by staff.
2. Mpls drivers honk approval for replacement bridge
Or at that jackass driving slow in the left lane.
3. Ford's new F-150 pickup fuel economy up 8 percent
Now 8% higher than shitty.
4. World's oldest man has 113th birthday in Japan
Utters cryptic words before disappearing.
5. Teen 'detective' leads police to stolen bike
Adopts nom de guerre, Encyclopedia Brown.
6. Man who cleaned public restroom gets plunger award
Thinks it's hilarious. Really. Thanks a a lot.
7. Yahoo begins radical home page overhaul
Now mostly porn.

Killing time

1. The Future of America's Space Corps
Matching red shirts and a short life expectancy.
2. Stocks fluctuate after Fed keeps rates unchanged
The market demanded that something fluctuate.
3. World's shortest man, leggiest woman meet
Both have excellent views.
4. National Organization For Women Endorses Obama
Continuing long history of overt sexism.
5. S Africa party 'might sue Zuma'
Sorority party might serve Zima.
6. Sara Lee CEO Barnes gets $10.5M pay in fiscal 2008
Paid entirely in baked goods.

Seven headly sins

1. Bush returns to Gulf Coast, this time for Ike
With Mike, reuniting long estranged delicious candy duo.
2. Nigerian with 86 wives arrested under Sharia laws
Sharia, his 26th wife, now president of Nigeria.
3. Woman faces charge after dishwashing dispute
Last straw reached in bowels of Oak-Elm.
4. Key OJ Simpson witness clutches chest in court
Tells Elizabeth he's coming, to the amusement of all present.
5. Adviser says McCain helped create the BlackBerry
Can't say why he doesn't know how to use it.
6. Family ties: Obama counts rabbi among relatives
McCain's favorite uncle was Moses himself.
7. Doctors say leg pain can signal deadly blood clot
Or mysterious floating bone.

8

1. Stocks retreat amid new Wall Street landscape
Landscape eerily reminiscent of The Road Warrior, including weird boomerang wielding kid.
2. After Ike, Texas survivors clamor for gas, food
Food that gives them gas.
3. Palin spells out her role in McCain administration
Shooting old lawyers in the face.
4. New Minneapolis bridge practical, not flashy
Unlike previous 'bedazzled' bridge.
5. J&J Vice Chairman Poon to retire in March
Dong to fill the void before Chairman Tang takes over in April.
7. Judge throws out Yellowstone snowmobile plan
Doesn't allow enough time for lunch.
8. Lost cat returned home after nine years
Cat indifferent.