Friday Niners

1.
Anti-Piracy 'Flag' Was Never Popular
Circle with slash through it around classic Jolly Roger seen as unimaginative at every level.
2.
Sex Offender's Suicide Raises Questions
Primarily - what took him so long?
3.
Microsoft Reverses, Will Back Gay Rights
Future Microsoft logo to incorporate full rainbow rather than half-assed four color flag.
4.
Planned Casino Near Gettysburg Alarms Some
Others hope to win four score and seven in Lincoln-themed slot machine.
5.
Poll shows 60% of Ontarians agree with McGuinty's push for more Ottawa cash
40% drunk off their asses, vote for less cash.
6.
T-Wolves in No Rush to Find New Coach
This year's playoffs not scheduled to end until 2007.
7.
Bloggers' Conference Emphasizes Reporting
Humorous headlines take a back seat.
8.
Student Organizes Time Traveler Conference
Should be prepared for large gathering of supervillains and those seeking to thwart their nefarious plans.
9.
Kansas Board Holds Evolution Hearings
Most of board dumb as a post.

Seven Wonders of the Headline World

1.
al-Qaida's No. 3 Man Arrested in Pakistan
Entertains the boys during the long weeks in the cave by pissing and shitting simultaneously.
2.
Runaway Bride's Silence Angers Neighbors
Officials urge neighbors to stop living vicariously through others.
3.
Injured NY Firefighter Not As Talkative
During tree rescue, cat got his tongue.
4.
Names on W.Va. Vets' Memorial Misspelled
Woeful state of WV eductaional system strikes agin.
5.
New Computers Make Grocery Carts Smarter
One wheel still fucked up.
6.
Bush: Americans Ready to Invest S.S. Funds
German Americans, with 60 year anniversary of WWII having passed.
7.
Classic Spy Work Leads to al-Qaida Arrest
Bacarat with supervillian, followed by dalliance with sexy double agent.

10 and One

1.
Phoenix Man Dies After Being Tasered
Name change alone does not endow properties of mystical bird.
2.
Astronauts Unfazed by Launch Delay
May be whistling different tune after 2 months on the launch pad.
3.
U.S. Climber Falls to Death on Everest
No explanantion as to what ladder was doing at the summit.
4.
American Jets Likely Collided in Iraq
Haven't ruled out role of Benny.

or
Sharks jubilant.

5.
Official Likens Base Closings to Tsunamis
Without all the water and death.
6.
Asian Automakers Gain Further Ground
Still short.
7.
Data give economic outlook a slight lift
Likeable android's productivity equal to 100 men.
8.
European Stocks Dip After NY Loss
Still better than wampum and beads.
9.
Mock Countdown Begins for STS-114 Crew
TEN: You suck, NINE: Hey StayPuff!, EIGHT....
10.
NASA chief predicts more women as top managers
Begins new work-out program.

NinTendo

1. Father Tells Jilted Groom to Go Slowly
And hang his head in shame

2. Study: Africa Worst Place for Moms, Kids
Try the Science Museum, or Chuck-E-Cheese, instead!

3. Explosion at Somalian Rally Kills Seven
Rally, while criticized for its violence, praised for its authenticity.

4. Blair Allies Find Loyalty a Liability
Tarred and feathered for it

5. Pope Benedict Marks John Paul's Passing
As senile as his predecessor, he just now realized why it is he was made Pope.

6. Not-Guilty Plea Entered for BTK Suspect
Not-Guilty Plea Similarly Entered for BK Broiler Suspect (for reason of insatiability)

7. Brain Damaged Firefighter Makes Recovery
Recovers thermos, ashtray, paddle game

8. Fla. Judge OKs Abortion for 13-Year-Old
Activist judges take it to new level in historic "right to choose for the already born" case

9. Two Md. Women Sentenced in Birthday Attack
Strippers, accidentally ignited by birthday candles, were actually just flailing around screaming for someone to put them out.

10. Doc Pleads in Alcoholic Brother's Death
The much too often untold dark secret behind old west towns' lovable drunkard.

Masticate this!

1.
2 Killed After Walking in Front of Train
Walked in front of train in 1987, killed by thugs yesterday.
2.
Rescuers Look for Boy Who Fell Off Boat
Spent some time looking for boy who didn't fall off boat, but now that he's been found, switched focus of search.
3.
Grains, Soybeans Retreat
Following an unexpected tactical move by cattle.
4.
Tyson Earnings Slump in Second Quarter
Biting, rape history finally sinks into battered brains of boxing community.
5.
Workers Around World Rally on May Day
Wrap brightly colored ribbons around pole in massive exhibition of gayness.
6.
Roger Waters Completes Long-Awaited Opera
Long awaited by 12 guys living in basements.
7.
Kris Kristofferson Honored for Careeer
Excluding role in Milennium.
8.
Report Calls for Clampdown on Prison Sex
Offers few suggestions for coming between Bubba and his bitch.

Together we make ten

1.
Mistakes Plague Tenn. Medical Examiner
Trouble discerning elbow from asshole.
2.
Town Repeals Ban on Speedo-Style Suits
Instead bans fat people with poor fashion sense.
3.
Stocks Rise as Oil Falls, Microsoft Helps
Always eager, Clippy notes, 'looks like your having an economic downturn.'
4.
Pope Makes First Window Appearance
Declares 'You have mail!'
5.
Coalition Forms To Protect Cookies
Insatiable appetite of so-called 'Cookie Monster' threatens global supplies.
6.
School Mistakes Huge Burrito for a Weapon
Discovered to be no immediate threat, but may regret returning burrito to owner.